13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don't Do summary

Working. Parenting. Being a sister, partner, friend. Having (dare we say it?) a life. Can women really do it all?

Of course we can.

A woman who cries is viewed as “weak”; women who go back to the workplace within weeks of birthing a child are celebrated as “strong”. It’s not that hard to see why many women are afraid to let their guard down, or make themselves vulnerable. But owning your vulnerability is crucial to maintaining mental strength.

Thankfully, vulnerability is a skill that can be practiced. Start small. Identify what holds you back from being vulnerable: are you afraid of being rejected? Embarrassed? Then choose a few people close to you that you’re ready to be vulnerable with. A close friend or partner works best. 

A study in the journal Science showed that, by age six, girls believe men are more intelligent and more talented than women. No wonder women struggle with self doubt. Self doubt engenders discomfort with anxiety, a greater need for others approval, and a tendency to procrastinate. 

It’s also a self-fulfilling prophecy. Take a woman who doubts her ability to make conversation on dates. Her doubt makes her anxious, which makes her conversationally awkward, which creates a feedback loop reinforcing her belief that she’s a bad conversationalist.

Are you an overthinker? If so, you’re in good company. Studies using brain imaging reveal that women’s brains are significantly more active than men’s, particularly in areas associated with empathy and anxiety. While this heightened activity has its benefits, it can also lead to overthinking and mental exhaustion.

Turn down the volume on your overactive brain with two simple strategies.

Why leave your comfort zone? Because as nice as it feels – after all, it’s called a comfort zone for a reason – real growth happens in discomfort.

Let’s take the discomfort of salary negotiation. When a job advert mentions that salary is negotiable, women are just as likely to negotiate their starting salary as men are. When a salary is not listed as negotiable, however, women are far less likely than men to broach a negotiation.

When you’re raised to be a “good girl”, it can feel scary to go against the grain. But imagine where we’d be if women had always followed the rules? After all, we have rule-breakers like Susan B. Anthony to thank for winning us the right to vote.

More often than not it's the unwritten rules that hold us back: rules about how women are expected to behave, in romance, at the workplace, and as parents. Get analytical with yourself. What unwritten rules are holding you back? Maybe you’re a working mom feeling pressured to spend more time at home with the kids. Maybe you’re waiting for a cute friend to ask you on a date, because you’ve internalized the expectation that men should make the first move. 

Accountability is good. Toxic self-blame? Not so much. 

In scenarios where you tend to self-blame, it’s helpful to pause and ask a few tough questions.

Imagine this: you walk into your office, wearing a neutral expression, and your boss, an older man, says “You’d look so much prettier if you smiled!” 

How do you respond? Do you, A.) call him out on his casual sexism? Or, B.) stay silent?

Meet Sally. She’s recently retired, the kids have left home, and she’s trying to figure out what’s next. She’s thought about going on a meditation retreat, but it’s “not really her”. Gardening could be fun, but she’s convinced she’s “no green thumb.” Her husband has taken up kayaking and keeps encouraging her to join him, but she brushes it off – “he’s always been the sporty one.”

Life shifts. Things happen. Circumstances change. You won’t be the same woman at 65 as you were at 25. Yet so many of us, Sally included, act as though our personalities, preferences, interests, and abilities are fixed. Reinvention is scary. But holding onto an outdated or inaccurate view of the type of person you were can stop you from meeting yourself where you are.

Whether they’re aiming for the boardroom or public office, it’s difficult for women to reach the top of their fields. But even though the patriarchy makes it hard enough for women to succeed, sometimes we compound the problem by putting other women down to make ourselves look better. 

Ever heard of the “crab mentality”? When you put crabs in a bucket you don’t need to put a lid on: as soon as one crab starts to make it to the top, the others pull it back down again. Here’s the thing: if you’ve adopted the crab mentality, you’re not just holding other women back. You’re holding yourself back, too.

Rejection is a fact of life. Mentally strong women don’t take it personally. And while rejection can come in many forms – like losing out on a job offer, or getting turned down for a second date – the person who rejects you the most is probably you.

If you engage in limiting self-talk, you might be rejecting opportunities before they even present themselves. This can take the form of all-or-nothing thinking, such as “I’m bad at math” or “I have poor people skills,” or overgeneralizing, like deciding you’re a terrible dancer after just one failed salsa lesson. Becoming aware of these cognitive distortions is the first step to addressing them and ensuring they don’t hold you back.

Failure is hard. But for many women, success can feel just as challenging. Do you feel unworthy of your accomplishments? Do you struggle to recognize your skills and talents? Do you sense that others will like you less if you appear ambitious and successful? 

Chances are, you nodded yes to at least one of those questions. If that’s the case, here’s something important to understand: women who don’t embrace their success often find it hard to feel at ease with their achievements. This discomfort can hold them back from reaching their full potential.