The Ethical Slut summary

Be honest – do you ever feel bad, embarrassed, or guilty about being a slut? You shouldn’t! But it’s understandable if you sometimes do. Western culture tends to criticize relationships that fall outside the strictly monogamous, preferably heterosexual model.

Many sluts find they need to unlearn harmful, engrained lessons about sex and love before they can completely embrace their new lifestyle. Here are some key cultural myths that might be holding you back:

Long-term monogamous relationships are the only authentic relationships.

Humans are the only primates who engage in long-term monogamous relationships, and the concept of such relationships is relatively recent in human history, too. Many people believe they will achieve complete emotional and sexual fulfillment when they find their “other half” – high incidences of infidelity and divorce should be enough to prove this belief demonstrably flawed.

The only real love is romantic love.

Spine-tingling, butterflies-in-the-stomach romantic love, the stuff of pop songs and romance novels, does exist – but it’s far from the only type of love that can exist between sexual partners. And it’s hardly a prerequisite for lasting, fulfilling relationships.

Jealousy is inevitable in nonmonogamous relationships.

Jealousy is a natural emotion – the prospect of experiencing it or inflicting it shouldn’t keep you in a monogamous relationship that’s not fulfilling your needs. It’s also not inevitable. When you and your partners are open and honest about your sexual adventures, you may be able to take it out of the equation entirely.

Sex outside a relationship reduces intimacy within it.

Sleeping with someone outside a relationship doesn’t need to be something you do to your partner; it can be something you do for yourself. When sex and intimacy outside the primary relationship is handled respectfully, there’s no reason it should impact you or your primary partner negatively.

If you’re still attached to any of these myths, even subconsciously, consider this permission to abandon them entirely. Here are some principles you might consider adopting in their stead:

Sex is the end – not the means.

Sex is often framed as a tool – a physical act designed to bolster love, commitment, and monogamy. There’s nothing wrong with having sex in this way. There’s also plenty to celebrate about sex that enhances intimacy and friendship, sex as exploration and adventure, and sex for its own sake.

You are enough.

You, on your own, are a fundamental, functional sexual unit. Adding more people into the mix can be a lot of fun – but you don’t need anybody else to complete you.

Abundance is available.

When you give love and sex to two or more people instead of to one, you’re not dividing a finite resource between them – you’re multiplying it. Your capacity for love, sex, and intimacy is greater than you might think.