Good Inside summary

Before we move on, let’s address a fear that many parents have when they learn this new way of approaching their kids. The fear is that it’s too late.

The answer to that fear is – it’s not too late. In fact, it’s never too late. Let’s go back to that two-things-are-true idea. Here are two things that are true: how you respond to behavior in the early years is essential, and it’s never too late to heal and change the way you parent.

Happiness isn’t the ultimate goal.

When happiness is your goal, negative feelings are an obstacle. And we should all be allowed our own feelings. When following the good-inside approach to parenting, the idea is never to change, judge, or avoid a child’s feelings.

As we’ve already mentioned, your relationships with others will only ever be as good as your relationship with yourself. If you’re like most parents, you’ve experienced your fair share of shame. It’s important to face that shame, name it, and bring it out into the open. You’re doing this for your own healing, but also so you can recognize shame reactions in your children and help them navigate those tough emotions.

Shame freezes kids. It puts them between a rock and a hard place. Say your son lies about hitting his sister with his shoe. It’s not because he’s a disrespectful little liar. It’s because he’s stuck between wishing he hadn’t hit his sister and worrying that he’s about to lose the love and security he needs from you.

Building connections is an ongoing process. This isn’t a fix-it-and-forget-it situation. Connections need to be established, maintained, and grown.

One of the ways you can do that is with deliberate one-on-one time without your cell phone. You don’t need to take a week off screens or shut off your internet. Just make it a point to have regular moments where your children see you put your phone away and focus on them.

Bad behaviors happen in good kids. Usually, bad behaviors are a result of a lack of connection, unmet needs, or some underlying fear. If your kid isn’t listening to you, you likely have a connection problem. Don’t try to talk louder, they’re not going to listen. Instead, take a break and go back later and connect with them first before telling them what you want them to do.

Sometimes a child’s emotional demands are too high and it comes out in their body. Emotional tantrums, aggressive tantrums, and fear and anxiety are all manifestations of high emotional demands on a child who’s unable to regulate them.

Many parents are worried about behaviors that are completely normal. Shyness, frustration intolerance, food challenges, tears, and perfectionism are all behaviors that occur out of a child’s normal need to find control over their environment.

When you see a child hesitate to join the group, that’s actually a good thing. They’re trying to understand what’s going on before jumping in. You can help your child by talking about something big beforehand or by sitting with them through their hesitancy and answering any questions they may have. Don’t push them into a situation they don’t feel comfortable with. In the end, you want them to be able to trust their feelings, and that won’t happen if you tell them their feelings are wrong by pushing them into something they don’t want to do.