The Power of Showing Up summary

Growing up, did you ever notice how your friends’ relationships with their parents were often completely different from your own? They might have been closer, more distant, or even estranged.

These important relationships start forming the day we’re born, and their nature depends greatly on the care we receive in those early days and throughout childhood.

Children who have their needs consistently met have the healthiest bonds with their parents. This is what psychologists call a secure attachment.

Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth’s “Infant Strange Situation” test – which examined what happened when caregivers left their babies in a new room alone or with strangers – demonstrated this in the 1960s. Observing the families at home, Ainsworth and her colleagues found that babies whose parents provided sensitivity and consistent care were the most secure. When their parents left the room, these babies showed signs of missing them but were able to continue playing; when parents returned, the babies happily greeted them before returning to their toys.

Unfortunately, some children receive inconsistent care and affection, while others’ needs aren’t met at all. In extreme cases, parents are severely disconnected from their children’s needs. Sometimes they even frighten them or show signs of being frightened themselves, which can be deeply upsetting to a child.

When this happens, children develop forms of insecure attachment that lead to unhealthy behaviors like the suppression of their needs and emotions, general anxiety that persists whether or not their parents are present, or even fear of their parents.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult for children with insecure attachments to move beyond these negative effects; attachment styles follow us into adulthood and influence our relationships with other people, including our children.

Insecurely attached children become adults who are disconnected from their feelings. They feel unsafe in the world and struggle to trust and connect with others, making it hard for them to have healthy and supportive relationships with their own children.

Children who are securely attached, on the other hand, grow up experiencing – and learning to value – good communication. They can manage their emotions and are able to understand themselves and others, making connecting with their children far easier.

People aren’t destined to be bad parents because of how they were raised, though – you can learn secure attachment later in life. To do this, you need to reflect on your childhood, with the help of a therapist if necessary, and acknowledge the negative effects it had on you. Only then can you take steps to heal and start creating an environment in which you can develop secure bonds with your children.