The School of Life summary

The emotional imbalances we experience in adulthood bear the distinctive marks of childhood. But it’s hard to pinpoint the origins of those imbalances. 

Because the origins of our present emotions are unclear and invisible, we don’t always receive the sympathy we might deserve from others. A friend might judge us to be spineless or weak. But what they don’t understand is that we might have developed those qualities in response to a parent’s bullying, competitive behavior growing up. 

Throughout the ages, humans have invented countless tools to help overcome our deficiencies. We use buckets to hold water that would otherwise drain through our hands. We use knives to rip through food our teeth can’t cut. 

And to heal our mental traumas? To help us understand ourselves, learn how to trust others, and communicate better? Well, for that, humans invented psychotherapy.

Society celebrates winners –⁠ after all, who doesn’t love a good success story? But when it comes to losers, most people aren’t quite sure what to say.

When we fail, we’re often met with a chorus of upbeat encouragement. We’re told to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, be resilient, or bounce back. But there are only so many times we can “try again.” After years of failed campaigns, for instance, we may have to accept that our political career just isn’t going anywhere. 

How do you feel about people who are extremely polite? Does politeness indicate that someone is kind and civilized? Or does it conceal insincerity and ulterior motives?

Over the past two hundred or so years, society has been trending toward the latter attitude, preferring frankness over politeness. But it may be time to switch that around.

The ideological movement known as Romanticism began in Europe in 1750 and has since pervaded countless aspects of our lives. Its philosophy emphasizes emotion over rational thought and spontaneity over caution. 

When it comes to our love lives, Romanticism has been a misguiding light. It makes us believe that we’ll be pulled to our soulmate by an overwhelming instinct rather than practical considerations. It claims that marriage can be as exciting as a love affair. And it declares that true love means delighting in our partner’s every facet without complaint.

Thanks to Romanticism, we view sex as the ultimate expression of admiration. Frequent, satisfying sex is the hallmark of a healthy relationship, but we shouldn’t ask for anything too rough or risqué. And once we find a partner, we’re expected to never be sexually attracted to another person.

But none of these things are true. It’s uncomfortable to admit, but it’s rare to maintain sexual interest in just one person forever. It’s also possible to love someone and still want to have sex with a stranger. And we can be kind in our everyday lives and yet still want to have rough sex.

For the overwhelming majority of human history, people didn’t have much. They owned the clothes on their backs and a few items for the home. Almost everyone was poor, and global GDP stayed consistently low.

Things took a turn, however, in 1800. Suddenly, technological and economic innovations meant that economies could expand and wages could increase. Families had extra wealth to spend on unimaginable luxuries like combs, mirrors, and spare underwear.

Anxiety –⁠ it’s a state of mind referred to as a sickness, a weakness, or an error. But in reality, it’s none of those things. Anxiety, in fact, is our fundamental state of being.

That might seem a bit surprising at first, but it makes a lot of sense when we consider how intensely vulnerable humans are, both mentally and physically. Our bodies consist of organs, bones, and tissues that one day decide to give up on us. Our societies are restless and competitive, overwhelming us at every turn. And when we need comfort in all of this, we can only turn to others who are as vulnerable and unreliable as we are.