The Argument Hangover summary

Imagine you get home one evening and sit down on the couch with your partner. Immediately, they say, “Hey. I went through our credit card bills today. I was shocked at how much you’ve been spending!”

You bristle. “What?!” you reply. Maybe you’ve had to spend more recently for a reason your partner knows about – a faulty car, a few extra medical bills. Maybe you got a bonus recently and have had more money to spend. Maybe you’ve been telling your partner all this and feel they haven’t been listening. Maybe you simply don’t agree that you’ve been spending more.

“And besides,” you think (and end up actually saying) – “I earn more than you anyway, so I can spend it however I want.”

“Oh, that’s great,” your partner says. “Where have I heard that before? Oh yes, from your parents!”

Sound familiar? But here’s a question: How does it feel afterward, when the dust has settled? Do you apologize? When? And does your partner believe you when you do? How long is it before things are really back to normal?

That period – between a fight and its real, emotional resolution – is the argument hangover. And just like a hangover from alcohol or food, it feels terrible.

But unlike that sort of hangover, which is objectively bad, an argument hangover is an opportunity to strengthen your bond – and so is the original argument that caused it.

You’ll still want your argument hangover to be nice and short, though. In fact, you might be thinking it’d be better not to argue at all. Shouldn’t this Blink really be about how to avoid conflict altogether?

You’ve probably heard the phrase “pick your battles” – it’s routinely offered to newlyweds as a way to keep relationships harmonious. But it’s actually a pretty terrible way to build a partnership. It basically means you don’t communicate to your partner when something annoys or angers you, causing resentment to build up over time.

That’s not healthy! And it means that problems never get resolved. Can you imagine walking on eggshells around your partner for the rest of your life? Is it really a good idea to spend literal decades avoiding the topic of how to stack the dishwasher because you’re afraid of conflict?

Conflict is a good and healthy thing, and the argument hangovers that follow can be brief and constructive, too – if they’re handled right.