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Zusammenfassung von Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Name: Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Rating: 4.1 (47 reviews)
Author: Ramani Durvasula

Ramani Durvasula

Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist

4.1 (47 Bewertungen)

17 Min.

Themen

Marriage Dating Personality Manipulation

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Should I Stay Or Should I Go
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What’s in it for me? Learn how to survive (and thrive) in the narcissism epidemic.

Doubt, shame, worthlessness. For those with a pathological narcissist in their life, these feelings can permeate every facet of reality. It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist is your partner, a parent, a friend, or a colleague– if you’re in their circle, you will be affected. You just might not realize it until long after the fact.

Narcissism has always touched a percentage of the population, but in today’s hyper-connected yet superficial world, it’s become an epidemic. This means that the chances of you having a pathological narcissist in your life are far greater than ever before.

Romantic relationships are complicated enough, but romantic relationships with narcissists are even more so. It’s this specific dynamic we’ll focus on in this Blink, and as we’ll see, the answer isn’t always as simple as recognizing the hurt that’s being caused and making a clean break. Life is infinitely more nuanced than that.

In the following sections, we’ll address this nuance by first exploring what narcissism is, how it’s become so rampant, and the red flags and seductive strategies to look out for. We’ll then offer a concrete roadmap for both of your options: choosing to stay or choosing to go.

Critical to distinguish here is the difference between a relationship with a pathological narcissist, and a relationship characterized by domestic violence. Although the two dynamics share similar patterns, physically abusive relationships require very specific assistance. If this is you, please seek professional support immediately.

But for those dealing with pathological narcissism, this Blink will provide you with all the tools you need to survive – and even thrive – whatever you decide. Ultimately, choosing to commit to self-empowerment will be the most important choice of all.

The bus that never arrives

If you take only three words from this entire Blink, let them be this: narcissists don’t change. These three words, however, can change your life.

A review of the current literature on pathological narcissism reveals that there is little evidence of significant, sustainable treatment for this personality disorder. Improvement has been demonstrated in a handful of case studies, but on the whole, narcissism is a nut psychologists have yet to crack.

Now, this might not be the news you wanted to hear. But, like a bitter pill, it’s a truth that nonetheless needs to be swallowed for your health and well-being in the long run.

When you understand that narcissism is a disorder that is resistant to current methods of treatment, you recognize that continuing to throw good money after bad (in the form of time, love, and energy, for instance) is a futile strategy. You see that committing your life to deciphering the narcissist code is a ridiculous thing to ask of yourself. Remember, modern science doesn’t even have an answer yet.

It’s admirable to want to see the good and potential in others. It’s commendable to question how you can contribute to better outcomes in your closest relationship. But with narcissists, the reality is there’s only so much you can do. With narcissists, the odds are stacked against you from the start.

So instead of waiting for a bus that will never arrive, start walking. Whatever direction you choose, you’ll reclaim your health and well-being with every step.

Sign o’ the times

Let’s set the scene: in 2015, cosmetic surgery was a $12-billion industry, weight loss a $20-billion enterprise, and cosmetics a $62-billion racket.

In today’s world of curated selfies, ever-present devices, and ubiquitous reality TV, the superficial is incentivized and applauded. If we consider that pathological narcissism is, to quote a definition, a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy,” it’s not hard to see why narcissism has become a modern epidemic.

The red flags

“But how do I know if I'm in a relationship with a pathological narcissist, not just a fellow fallible human?”

It’s the million-dollar question, and a common one at this stage.

Getting sucked in

“How did I get here?”

“What was I thinking?”

The frog in boiling water

While we can list a pathological narcissist’s red flag traits and go-to strategies until the cows come home, what ultimately matters is your felt experience.

How does your partner make you feel?

Deciding to stay

Dr. Ramani holds a somewhat controversial stance. Instead of handing her clients a one-size-fits-all, “just walk away” prescription, she leaves the alternative on the table, too. For some people, at some moments in time, choosing to stay is actually the best course of action, and failing to acknowledge this nuance can do more harm than good.

Compelling reasons to stay include children, finances, religion, culture, and plain fear. You may also genuinely love your partner and have zero desire to cut ties.

Deciding to go

Paulo Coehlo once quipped, “In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.”

Deciding to go will be complicated and painful. And yet, it may be the only way forward.

Final Summary

Pathological narcissism is a formidable personality disorder that modern medicine has yet to effectively cure.

As narcissism has reached epidemic levels in today’s world, it’s crucial to know the red flags to watch for, as well as the two paths available to you, should you find yourself in a relationship with one.

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Worum geht es in Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I Stay Or Should I Go (2015) is a comprehensive survival guide for those in a relationship with a narcissist. Dr. Ramani breaks down what narcissism is, highlights the red flags to look out for, and offers two concrete roadmaps – one for deciding to stay, and one for deciding to go.

Wer Should I Stay Or Should I Go lesen sollte

Anyone not feeling seen, heard, or respected by a partner
People dealing with a narcissistic parent, friend, or colleague
Those struggling to decide whether they should stay in or leave a relationship

Über den Autor

Dr. Ramani Durvasula (“Don’t You Know Who I Am?”) is an American psychologist specializing in the effects of narcissistic and antagonistic personality types on relationships, health, and societies. Dr. Ramani is currently Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University, and the founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting.

Kategorien mit Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Psychology Sex & Relationships

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