Powerful Habits to Own Your Thoughts, Understand Your Feelings, and Change Your Life
In Reset, Debra Fileta guides readers to break free from their past and move forward towards a healthier and happier future. Through personal anecdotes and biblical principles, she offers practical tools to help readers overcome negative cycles and find true emotional healing.
What’s holding you back? What’s keeping you stuck? What, in a word, is preventing change?
The answer is simple: you.
Not because you want to hold yourself back or remain stuck. No – the problem is that you, like everyone else, see yourself from the inside out rather than the outside in.
That’s part and parcel of being human. We have an uncanny ability to think of ourselves as being better than we really are. Call it the better-than-average effect.
There are countless social experiments in which folks are asked to rate themselves on a scale compared to their peers. Whether you ask people to assess their physical fitness or money management or any other aspect of their lives, a majority will say they’re better than average. Mathematically, that doesn’t stack up: we can’t all be above average. Someone has to fall below the mean. But we find it difficult to acknowledge that we might be that someone.
In short, we view ourselves through distorted lenses. Jesus identifies this common failing when he asks, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” First take the plank out of your eye, he instructs us, and then you will learn how to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. In other words: look to your own failings before you criticize others.
This scriptural message is echoed by psychologists. As any counselor, therapist, or behavioral specialist will tell you, healing begins when we acknowledge the need for change. To see that need, we must view ourselves from the outside in: objectively, with all our flaws, hang-ups, and shortcomings, not through the flattering inside-out lens we’re used to.
We are urged to take up this perspective in James 5:16, which calls on us to make honest inventories of ourselves and confess our sins “to each other.” This idea builds on what Jesus says about removing the plank from your own eye first: yes, we must work on ourselves, but we are not alone. Dialogue – with other people and with God – can help us achieve clarity.
The concept of confession can actually be a bridge between Scripture and therapy. Think, for example, about twelve-step groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery. Confession – or, to put it in more humdrum terms, owning your junk – plays a central role in their work. The path to healing and recovery starts when someone publicly admits that they cannot control their addiction and that their life has become unmanageable as a result. It is a confession of weakness which kickstarts the process of regaining power over one’s life.
Of course, taking stock of who you are isn’t a one-time thing – it’s an ongoing commitment. Really, it’s a good habit – something beneficial you do each day. There are many ways to practice this habit, but we can wrap things up by looking at a simple exercise you can integrate into your daily routine. The good news is that you’ll only need around ten minutes a day to start gaining powerful insights. Here’s how it works.
For around eight minutes, you’re going to stop what you were doing, find somewhere quiet, and sit down. Now imagine your life is a movie that you’re watching in your mind’s eye. You're the main character in this drama. Sweep the camera through the scenes and events of a typical day. Pay close attention to routines, interactions, and behaviors. How do you start the day? How do you end it? What do you do when you’re feeling happy, sad, or stressed? What are your conversations like? How’s your body language? What tasks and activities claim the largest share of your time? Most importantly, looking at yourself through this objective lens, what would you advise this person to change? What do they need to work on? What habits need adjusting? Could they improve their relationships? If so, how? What could they do to improve their health – mentally, spiritually, and physically?
Finally, take a couple more minutes to choose one thing you want to change. Write it down. Say it aloud a few times, too. This is your acknowledgement. Your confession. Your first step.
Reset (2023) is a guide to change for anyone who feels stuck. Drawing on Scripture and her experience as a counselor, Debra Fileta unpacks the psychology behind behavioral patterns and presents simple yet effective daily habits to kickstart change and healing.
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