Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts summary

The first step toward reclaiming peace of mind from unwanted intrusive thoughts is to understand a few basic things about what these thoughts mean, or rather don’t mean, and why they keep returning.

Let’s start by making it clear: everyone has unwanted intrusive thoughts from time to time, which by and large, mean nothing. The brain is constantly hard at work, and sometimes it makes random associations or bizarre notions that can be uncomfortable.

You might see a carrot at the grocery store and suddenly think about sex. You might be admiring a cute kitten and abruptly realize how easy it would be to break its neck. Naturally, these ideas can make you question your morals, letting guilt and self-loathe invade you. But in reality, these thoughts are meaningless.

Now, it might be paradoxical but the reason why meaningless thoughts like these recur is because of how strongly we react to them. This panicked reaction is actually sending a signal to our brain that there’s something meaningful and worthwhile there. Yes, it’s deeply ironic, but by worrying about them, or wrestling to fight them off, we’re making these thoughts stick, thus creating a cycle of anxiety and self-doubt that feels unescapable. 

At the heart of this cycle are three internal voices: the Worried Voice, desperately fretting over “what ifs”; the False Comfort, which tries to soothe the worry but only feeds the cycle; and the Wise Mind, the calm presence observing all without judgment.

The Worried Voice says, “Ugh, I think about sex whenever I see anything shaped like a carrot. Why am I so depraved?”

False Comfort shows up and says, “This is food, a neutral topic. Think neutral thoughts.”

Then Worried Voice replies, “I can’t help it! Something’s wrong with me.”

So False Comfort says something like, “Then distract yourself with something else. Find a different topic.”

This kind of dialog between Worried Voice and False Comfort can go on and on and never end up being productive. False Comfort is basically the voice that says, don’t think about carrots! And as you probably know, if someone challenges you to not think about something, then it’s impossible to do anything else but think of that precise thing.

What we need to do is amplify the third voice: the voice of the Wise Mind. This one can recognize that resistance amplifies intrusive thoughts; it can enter the internal conversation and say, “Listen, guys, you both need to calm down. Thoughts are just thoughts and it’s nothing to get upset about. In fact, the more upset you get, the more fuel you’re adding to the fire. Let’s see what happens if we just let the thought pass instead of giving it all this unnecessary attention.”

Of course, this is easier said than done. Intrusive thoughts often clash with our deepest values, intensifying the urge to overcontrol them, which leads to exhaustion and frustration.

Intrusive thoughts typically fall into three categories. First, there are the Morally repugnant thoughts. These can include fears of causing harm or ideas about sexual taboos, which can be especially troubling for people with strong values.

Second, we find the Nonsensical thoughts, such as doubting close relationships or picturing absurdly embarrassing scenarios, which can even lead to people questioning their sanity.

Lastly, there are thoughts that aren’t entirely unwanted. These might be revenge fantasies or being stuck in a grief spiral. They can provide temporary relief but turn problematic when judged too harshly.

Now, on top of these three types of intrusive thoughts is often another factor: toxic worry. Unlike productive worry, which can lead to coming up with valuable solutions to a problem, toxic worry occurs when we fixate on worst-case scenarios and “what-ifs,” becoming stuck in an unhelpful spiral of fear and doubt. Recognizing this difference is key to gaining clarity and relief.

Perhaps the most important aspect, no matter what category you’re dealing with, is that avoidance doesn’t work. Each type of unwanted thought is an absolutely normal part of the human mind. There is no avoiding them. They would come and go if not for the attention we give them. So only by learning to coexist with them without judgment, can you finally break the cycle.

Now that we’ve gotten the general idea, in the sections ahead we’ll dig a little deeper into some common myths and questions about the topic, the neuroscience behind it, and the practices you can use to find relief.