The Kindness Method summary

As a therapist in addiction recovery, Shahroo got a call from a friend asking for advice. The friend was dating a man who was years into recovering from alcoholism. She wondered if she should be concerned that he continued to attend daily support-group meetings.

To Shahroo, the answer was a no-brainer. People who continue to secure their well-being after having recovered from a history of addiction are doing better than well. They’re likely to possess self-awareness and coping skills far greater than the average person trying to quit a habit or start a new one.

If you’ve ever made a plan to change something about yourself, you know that your motivation often wanes. Without systems in place to hold us accountable, it doesn’t take long for us to give up on our plans altogether. Even worse, failing to change our behaviors can make us think that we just don’t have what it takes to change at all.

In reality, all of us already possess positive qualities and achievements that serve as evidence of our capacity to accomplish things. But we tend to forget this in our darkest moments. That’s why the first step in the Kindness Method has nothing to do with the habit you want to change. Instead, it’s about cultivating self-compassion by gaining an appreciation for what you’ve already accomplished.

When it comes to change, what works for one person might not work for the next. Shahroo found that one thing her most successful clients had in common was dedicating time to understanding their individual patterns. By doing so, they were able to create a plan that worked for them, helping them to achieve and maintain their goals in the long run.

Successful change, Shahroo discovered, was less about “finding yourself” than meeting yourself where you already are.

We tend to think of habits that we want to eliminate as bad. But in most cases, we adopted these habits to serve us in some capacity. For example, many people drink alcohol because it gives them self-confidence in social situations.

When we label certain habits as “bad,” we’re more likely to let our self-criticism spiral. This undermines our intention to change the habit that we’re unhappy with. Instead of viewing our current behavior as a weakness, it’s important to view it in light of the bigger picture.

In an earlier blink you learned how to identify what worked and didn’t work in your previous attempts to achieve behavioral change. But there are often external factors that may lead you astray if you’re not aware of them early in the process.

Most people fall victim to certain triggers, such as hunger or stress. But whether you are anxious about your finances, an upcoming deadline, or pressure from a relationship, keep in mind that there will never be the ideal time to transform yourself. What’s more, by identifying your stressors, you can attempt to learn coping strategies that will improve your daily life and ensure that the stress doesn’t affect the changes you want to make for the long term.

Now that you’ve created detailed maps tracing where you are, where you want to go, and the possible obstacles, shortcomings, or solutions on the road to getting there, it’s finally time to create a plan.

The first thing you’ll want to do is set a date to review your progress. By setting a date in your calendar, you’ll keep yourself accountable for your progress and have dedicated time to tweak your plan with more challenging goals. To start, try setting a review reminder for every three weeks.