Shame on You summary

You might not think of yourself as someone who struggles with shame—and that’s fine. But before you go, here’s what some women who do experience shame have shared.

"As a mother, I feel pressure to be selfless, putting my child's needs before my own."

Ever heard of Jezebel? She was a biblical ruler accused of promoting false gods, harassing prophets, and (gasp!) wearing makeup—before being thrown to her death from a window. Even if you’re not familiar with the biblical story, you’re probably familiar with her name. Though the Bible provides no evidence, Jezebel is commonly labeled a "whore" and, ironically, "shameless."

Now, ever heard of King Ahab? Probably not. Ahab was Jezebel's husband and co-ruler of Israel. He was equally guilty of the same transgressions, yet the Lord went easy on him and decided to punish Jezebel for them both.

Shame starts with a trigger – like a pile of unfolded laundry. For some people it’s no big deal. For others, a shame grenade. Why? What makes it shameful?

It feels personal: it’s the feeling that you're the only one who can't keep their house organized when everyone else seems to manage just fine.

Oversharing—just a cringeworthy mistake? Or actually an effective strategy for moving through shame? 

Women in particular have a fraught relationship with sharing. Women often have a complicated relationship with sharing. During the personal essay boom of the 2010s, first-person confession, on everything from adultery to bikini waxing, were everywhere online. Critics dismissed these essays as self-indulgent and attention-seeking. In other words: TMI. In retrospect, this critique was tinged with misogyny. Women’s narratives were ‘too much’. Similar work from men was often lauded as ‘brave’.

Female friendship is powerful. When women openly share their deeply personal failures with a circle of trusted friends, magic happens. Those isolating feelings and experiences are met with sympathy and solidarity, and  three reassuring words: "'You're not alone.” What once felt like a deeply personal failure becomes recast as a common human experience.

Building shame resilience can be as simple as having a close, trusted circle of female friends. Yet, as anyone who has navigated a friendship knows, forming and maintaining these shame-resistant friendships isn't always straightforward, especially for women.