Sexploitation summary

When do you have “the talk”? When children hit puberty? When they start middle school? When they first start showing curiosity about their bodies? It’s a question that has plagued parents for generations. Luckily, there’s an answer, and it’s this: you shouldn’t. That is to say, you shouldn’t have the talk, singular. In your role as sex educator, you should talk with your children openly and often about all things sex. And you should start pretty much from the time your kid is able to hold a conversation. 

Before we get into what you should be talking about, let’s dig into why this approach is best.

Initiating a series of ongoing low-stakes conversations takes the pressure off. You don’t have to cover all bases in one intense discussion. It also signals you’re comfortable talking about sex and want them to feel comfortable doing so, too. And talking with your kids about sex in an age appropriate way from the time they’re toddlers means that when things get a bit more complicated, they’ll be in the habit of coming to you with questions.

Now, onto the “what.” With little kids, there’s no need to go into graphic detail. Start from toddlerhood by labeling body parts accurately and without shame: penis, testicles, vulva, vagina, breasts, and so on. No “pee-pees” or “down-there”s, please! 

Around the time your child is in first grade, pediatricians recommend sharing simple explanations of how sex works and how babies are made. It’s important to share this information early, in a comforting and supportive context, because explicit and age-inappropriate sexual content is simply so easy to access these days. You can build on these conversations by talking about different relationship configurations – sex can happen between a man and a woman, two women, two men, and so on. Babies can be made through IVF, or they can be adopted or fostered.

Bath time is a great opportunity to introduce concepts like personal space and consent. If siblings touch each other's genitals, remind them to respect each other's space and reinforce that no-one can touch these parts of your body without permission. If your children touch their own genitals, emphasize that this is a perfectly normal activity, but that people do it in private.

Just as important as what you say is the behavior you model around sex, love, and body image. For example, some families are comfortable being totally naked around each other – that’s great, and signals a healthy level of comfort with the body. You might not be comfortable doing that – and that’s fine. But if your child walks in on you while you’re undressed, make a point of staying calm and relaxed. There’s nothing wrong with a naked human body. After all, we’ve all got one! The same advice applies if your kids catch you having sex – address what they saw calmly, then move on.