Worthy of Her Trust summary

There are eight common myths about building trust. When you know what to look for, you’re more likely to be able to manage your expectations – and less likely to be thrown off course in restoring your relationship. So let’s take a look at each one.

Myth #1: Time heals everything and rebuilds trust.

This simply isn’t true. Time may result in faded or fuzzy memories. But the memory isn’t gone, nor is the hurt associated with the event. All it needs is a trigger, and the memory will come flooding back in full detail. So how can you overcome this? Try looking at every morning as a new opportunity to foster trust. As you slowly rebuild your foundation, your wounds will heal.

Myth #2: To rebuild trust, all you need to do is stop repeating the behavior that caused the mistrust.

This is important, of course, but won’t resolve trust issues alone. What’s needed is actively healthy behavior, which will lead to redemption. And that healthy behavior needs to be in abundance. What does this mean? For example, you could shower your wife with compliments – then she wouldn’t feel the need to constantly seek approval from you, other men, your kids, or even the TV. Start thinking about creating more abundance: ask yourself how you can engage more in the relationship, how you can talk about your feelings, and how you can be responsible for things like budgeting. 

Myth #3: Trust has been restored when she becomes less controlling.

Some of us are control freaks. You or your wife, or both, might be too. When you’ve broken the trust, your wife may feel an even greater need to control things. This might include checking your phone, your wallet, your email, or even tracking your movements using GPS. But some of this behavior is totally appropriate in light of the situation.

Myth #4: He doesn’t really love me – otherwise he wouldn’t do this.

It’s rare for infidelity to result because a man has fallen out of love with his wife, even if he professes this to be the case. More often, this is an easier explanation than admitting to the mean, destructive nature of the sinful act. Martinkus says authentic behavioral change only comes about through a “mysterious, dynamic interaction between our soul and the triune God.” The sinner has to accept that they can’t go on living that way; the pain of remaining as they are must become greater than the pain of change. Love is not the issue.

Myth #5: More sex will stop a man from acting out.

More sex and more exciting sex is likely to make matters worse rather than resolve the issue. The man might come to see his wife as an object rather than a companion and a “beautiful child of God.” When a wife agrees to change sexual habits, she merely becomes the husband’s “personal prostitute.” This will prolong the husband’s problems and delay healing.

Myth #6: Prayer builds trust.

Although prayer is important, you need a concrete plan to restore trust. With a plan and prayer, you’ll set the stage to win your wife back. So yes, pray for redemption and healing and pray for your wife’s forgiveness, but also remember to pray for the power to consistently work on your plan to rebuild trust.

Myth #7: Forgiveness rebuilds trust.

Forgiveness is necessary for true healing, but it’s not the be all and end all. It won’t rebuild trust alone – and to think that it will is lazy, selfish thinking. Forgiveness is something that’ll benefit your wife, not you. Your focus needs to be on becoming someone who’s worthy of forgiveness. How can you do that? Become someone who communicates softly and gently. Become humble and tender. Make the whole journey easier for your wife by empathizing with her pain.

Myth #8: God will save your marriage by delivering you from your sexual misdemeanors.

Although this might happen, Martinkus says it happens rarely – if at all. Sexual addiction is more akin to a food addiction than it is to drug or alcohol abuse. With substance abuse, you have to stop using the substance to find a remedy. But that’s not the case with a food or sex addiction – in these cases, you need to stop the abuse and engage more healthily while honoring God.

Although there may be some truth in these myths, know that if you rely on them alone, you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment.