Red Flags, Green Flags summary

Humans are social animals. From birth we’re soaking up every interaction with those around us, interpreting their behaviors, and using this as a guide to other relationships. For those who had healthy families, nurturing parents, or solid communities, this guide serves them well. Others are not so lucky.

But even if you had a great childhood, you can still find yourself in a toxic workplace, relationship, or friend group. Baffled at the dynamics around you, you might feel stuck with no way out. These situations can crush your spirit and crumble your mental health, especially if they go on too long.

So everyone can benefit from reflecting on the nature of their relationships and connections and looking for patterns that result in healthy, nurturing environments, and those that don’t. To do that, you’ve got to know what a healthy relationship looks like. So let’s use red and green as metaphors for stop and go ahead in any relationship.

If we use the word GREEN as an acronym, it is easy to spell out the positive attributes of a healthy relationship. 

Starting with G, someone who is being genuine is waving a green flag to go ahead. Genuine people are kind, thoughtful and authentic in their interactions, and you can feel it. Genuine people show vulnerability, and make it safe for you to do the same.

Next is R. When others are respectful they are also showing healthy signs. At work, this might mean respecting your time by not messaging after hours or scheduling you on weekends. In families or intimate partnerships, respect means valuing your autonomy and agency. It also means speaking and behaving with kindness even in times of conflict or stress, and never resorting to violence or abuse. 

The first E goes for Empathy, the third and perhaps the most crucial sign. Empathy is a complex phenomenon which involves acknowledging the other’s emotions and imagining a situation from their point of view. This cognitive ability is vital for understanding others, and without it, healthy relationships are impossible. 

Positive relationships also elevate you. And that’s the second E. In a healthy group or partnership, everyone feels empowered and truly seen. If you have someone in your life who consistently makes you feel lighter, more positive, or more capable after confiding in them — that’s a huge green flag to keep engaging. Investing yourself in these relationships can have a synergistic effect, too, multiplying the positivity through all facets of your life.

Finally, N is for nurturing. Healthy relationships offer this and require from you the effort to nurture them in return. When those around you are being genuine, respectful, show empathy, and elevate you, nurturing the relationship magnifies the good, and makes it easier to recognize the bad when it comes along.