The All-or-Nothing Marriage Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus The All-or-Nothing Marriage

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Zusammenfassung von The All-or-Nothing Marriage

Name: The All-or-Nothing Marriage
Rating: 3.7 (140 reviews)
Author: Eli J. Finkel

Eli J. Finkel

How the Best Marriages Work

3.7 (140 Bewertungen)

20 Min.

Kurz zusammengefasst

The All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli J. Finkel explains how the meaning of marriage has changed over time and why modern marriages demand more from spouses. It gives advice on how to improve relationships using this new perspective.

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Inhaltsübersicht

The All-or-Nothing Marriage
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What’s in it for me? Find out what it takes to make a marriage work.

These days, many people question the institution of marriage. They call it an outdated relic of a bygone era. So what – other than a nice tax break – does marriage give to those who choose to enter into it?

By compiling an incredible amount of data, Eli J. Finkel has taken a long, hard look at what modern Americans get out of marriage – and the results are often surprising. Perhaps more than ever before, today’s married couples are a real team whose partnership is based on trust and mutual respect. But keeping this team functional still requires hard work and the minimization of the daily distractions of modern life.

So have a look at what the best data has to say and find out what you need to keep in mind to make your team a winning one.

In these blinks, you’ll discover

what Eat, Pray, Love and The Game tell us about modern women and men;
why it’s healthy to idealize the good traits in your partner; and
why holding on to your own apartment may be a good idea.

The attitudes of men and women have significantly changed when it comes to marriage.

It wasn’t too long ago that marriage was considered a standard procedure with few complications to worry about. Rewind a few generations and marriage was strictly an agreement between a man and a woman, wherein the man was expected to work a steady job while the woman kept the household in order.

But over the last few decades, things have changed quite a bit.

In particular, women’s attitudes toward love and marriage have shifted considerably. Wives are no longer willing to sacrifice their own dreams and personal development for the sake of a relationship and marriage.

This shift is readily apparent in any of today’s best-selling books that feature women going on quests of self-discovery. Perhaps the most famous example is Eat, Pray, Love, the popular memoir by Elizabeth Gilbert that described how a series of disappointing relationships lead to her setting off on a journey around the world. Along the way, Gilbert discovers what really matters in life and gains a stronger sense of her own identity. By the novel’s end, she enters a new relationship that allows her to be both a strong individual and a caring partner.

The popularity of Eat, Pray, Love indicates that, for modern women, it’s paramount that relationships not hinder personal freedom and growth.

As for the modern man, we can also see signs of how there is less willingness to compromise in a marriage.

Much like women, men are also looking for partners who will respect their nature, rather than forcing them to follow societal rules.

In Neil Strauss’s popular book The Game, the author explores how focused men are on the art of sexual conquest. In his follow-up book, The Truth, Strauss decides to settle down in a monogamous relationship, but not before he’s satisfied his curiosity about open relationships.

The point seems to be that men also need the freedom to explore different relationships before they can find contentment in marriage.

How have these new attitudes changed the modern American marriage? Let’s find out in the blinks ahead.

Marriage and personal fulfillment aren’t mutually exclusive, but commitment may involve some self-delusion.

Many people assume that marriage is harmful to personal fulfillment and a strong individual identity.

But this isn’t the case. In fact, marriage and personal fulfillment can, and do, coexist.

Today’s marriages come with different expectations than those of previous generations.

Have you ever looked at your grandparents and thought, “Hmm, that’s odd, they don’t seem to like each other very much.” You may be onto something, but the thing is that, back then, marrying someone you were head over heels for wasn’t as big a deal as it is today.

Generations ago, a marriage was a way for two people to team up and give each other a better chance at making a living. There were many more families living on farms, growing their own food, making their own clothes and building their own homes. It was simply a far more difficult life – one that required a family of strong, healthy individuals.

Compatibility comes with effort and recognizing ideal qualities in your partner.

A lot of today’s dating sites emphasize the importance of two people having the same tastes and hobbies, but this isn’t necessarily the most important thing for compatibility.

Real compatibility requires work on the part of both partners, and it comes down to supporting each other’s goals and having a willingness to sacrifice and make compromises.

There are helpful love hacks to help you overcome low self-esteem and increase gratitude for your relationship.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a jealous partner, you know how unpleasant it can be. Even when you’re deeply committed to the relationship, they can still end up accusing you of being interested in other people.

More often than not, this is the result of your partner’s insecurity, and, fortunately, there’s a way around this issue.

A happy marriage requires time and attention.

How big of a priority is your relationship for you? If you’re not sure, try to count the days in the past few weeks on which you and your partner spent more than a couple of hours together. If these times are few and far between, you may need to give your relationship a bit more room in your life.

Studies show that making enough time for a marriage is key to making your relationship a happy and prosperous one.

Partners must maintain their individual identity, even if it means living separately.

If you’ve ever been left feeling empty, lost and depressed after a breakup, it’s likely due to a common mistake that people make: they let their identity become less about their individuality and more about their relationship.

Research shows us just how easy it is for couples to lose their individuality and merge their identity into an intense relationship.

Open relationships must be well-managed, but they can be just as rewarding as monogamous ones.

How would you react if your partner of many years suddenly asked you about changing from a monogamous relationship to an open, non-monogamous one? Would you be hurt? Anxious? Excited?

Even if your initial reaction is a positive one, this is a decision that shouldn’t be made without a lot of thoughtful discussion.

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Worum geht es in The All-or-Nothing Marriage?

The All-or-Nothing Marriage (2017) shows us the many ways in which the institution of marriage has changed over the years. Supported by a wealth of data and sociological studies, these blinks explain what makes the best marriages work and what causes the vulnerable ones to fall apart.

Bestes Zitat aus The All-or-Nothing Marriage

Many marriages ultimately dissolve, but theres no evidence that people bolt as soon as things get difficult.

—Eli J. Finkel

Wer The All-or-Nothing Marriage lesen sollte

Married people
Couples considering marriage
Singles who want to improve their relationship skills

Über den Autor

Eli J. Finkel, an award-winning researcher of social relationships, is a professor of psychology at Northwestern University. As the director of Northwestern’s Relationships and Motivation Lab, he’s published over a hundred scientific papers. He’s also a regular contributor to the editorial section of the New York Times.

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