Nonviolent Communication Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus Nonviolent Communication

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Zusammenfassung von Nonviolent Communication

Name: Nonviolent Communication
Rating: 4.5 (464 reviews)
Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg

Marshall B. Rosenberg

A Language of Life

4.5 (464 Bewertungen)

24 Min.

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Nonviolent Communication
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What’s in it for me? Learn what it takes to become a compassionate communicator.

Over the course of a regular day, we communicate with a number of different people; we communicate with our loved ones, our colleagues and so on. But, unfortunately, many conversations end badly – irrational conflicts often arise and we end up leaving conversations feeling overlooked or in despair.

This is not the way it should be, nor does it have to be – and avoiding these situations is exactly what these blinks can help you do. Delve into the concept of Nonviolent Communication and learn how you can apply it in your everyday life to maintain, and perhaps even improve, your relationships.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how best to react when someone tells you “you’re the most selfish person I have ever met”;
why you should keep your observations separate from your evaluations; and
why you shouldn’t immediately blame your partner for leaving dirty socks around the house.

Engaging in alienating communication prevents compassion.

In any society, communication is a fundamental building block of everyday life; if we want to function well in society, we need to learn how to communicate with others effectively.

Unfortunately, we tend to use language that cuts the flow of communication and, even worse, harms us and the person we are speaking with.

This life-alienating communication happens when our words put up walls instead of creating bridges. For example, calling a friend selfish for taking the last piece of cake on a dish is a judgmental statement that creates defensiveness. Alternatively, simple inquiry into their motivation could help find a solution.

Furthermore, this kind of language alienates us from our compassionate selves, which makes us more violent as individuals and societies. The connection between language and violence has been investigated by O.J. Harvey, a professor of psychology at the University of Colorado. He studied random fragments of world literature from different countries and looked for words that judged people, like “good” and “bad.”

The study found that the countries with more judgemental words in their literature also had a higher number of violent incidents. Harvey concluded that cultures who label people as “good” or “bad” reinforce the idea that “bad” individuals deserve punishment, which contributes to violent incidents.

But life-alienating communication extends far beyond just “good” or “bad.” In fact, this form of communication features a range of linguistic devices that help create gaps between people. One such device is moralistic judgment.

Moralistic judgments – typically insults, criticism and labels – imply that a person who acts differently to your value system is behaving “wrongly.”

Imagine a daughter who wants to move out of her parents’ house; they think that she isn’t ready and will put herself in danger. But instead of expressing themselves compassionately and trying to understand her point of view, they label her as “selfish.”

Instead of calling her “selfish,” they could take time to identify their needs, as well as those of their daughter, and have a compassionate discussion about it. It might turn out that what the parents are really worried about is how much they’ll miss their daughter. By using compassionate language, they can bridge their differences instead of alienating each other.

This is just the beginning though – the next blinks will show you exactly how to start communicating with compassion.

Nonviolent Communication is a way to communicate compassionately.

Expressing emotions is never straightforward, especially when they are negative. Luckily, there’s a powerful method to help us.

It’s called Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a way of communicating that allows us to connect with others and ourselves from the heart. The term nonviolence is inspired by Mahatma Gandhi, the leader of the Indian independence movement, and refers to the natural state of our hearts: free from violence and full of compassion.

Separate observation and evaluation from one another.

We’ve established the connection between good communication and observation, so now let’s look at how to improve our observational skills.

First of all, focus your energy on being aware of the present moment. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying and ask yourself, how is this affecting my well-being? Engage your senses – touch, sight and sound – to connect as much as possible with the situation.

Learn to express how you feel.

We’ve now established that clear observation is the first step of NVC. But we now need to learn how to fully express our own feelings in order to communicate as effectively as possible.

To achieve this, we can begin by articulating our feelings accurately. This can be problematic because we are rarely required to analyze our true emotions. The best way to express ourselves is by being specific, especially because the English language itself can be unclear at times.

Take responsibility for your feelings.

At this point, you should be getting more familiar with NVC and should be able to pay closer attention to your feelings as a result. But there’s more to developing your emotional responses – you need to take responsibility for your feelings.

You can do this when interacting with others by first recognizing your own needs. While another person’s action can be the stimulus of our feelings, they are not the cause. Rather, our reactions determine how we feel about what people say to us. For example, we’ll intuitively react in a negative way if someone tells us, “You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met!”

Learn to identify the needs at the root of feelings.

With a better grasp of our reactions and feelings, let’s now look at another challenging topic: identifying your needs. The reason this is so difficult is that people simply don’t have enough practice doing it; instead, they fall into the blame game.

The blame game is a classic catch-22 because we don’t usually express our needs, and then blame others for not fulfilling them. We might berate our partners for being messy because they don’t meet our standards of orderliness – like when they might leave unwashed dishes in the kitchen – without having communicated that we need the kitchen to be orderly. And when we blame them, it’s likely they’ll feel guilty and quickly become defensive.

Express what you would like from others to help meet your own needs.

So far, we’ve covered three components of nonviolent communication: observations, feelings and needs. Let’s move to the final stage of NVC: requests. How can we express our requests in a way that will help others respond to us compassionately?

A request should be made clearly to express what you really want. And the clearer we are about what we want from others, the more likely we are to get it.

Use NVC to reduce judgmental self-talk.

As we’ve seen, NVC is a great tool to improve relationships with others; but it has the power to go even further, helping you improve your relationship with yourself.

The first step to a better self-relationship is to realize when you are not being compassionate to yourself, and a key indicator of this habit is judgmental self-talk. This is the voice in our head that criticizes us for even the smallest mistakes. You might have already heard yourself say, “I’m such an idiot!”, “I can’t believe I’ve done it again!” or “How could I be so stupid?”

When you listen empathetically, you’ll hear others’ feelings, needs and requests.

Up until now, we have focused on four components of NVC that are important for accurate self-expression. Now let’s see how to apply the same principles to our listening skills.

First of all, if we want to fully understand another person, we need to listen empathetically.

NVC is a powerful tool for conflict resolution.

None of us can escape the conflicts in our day-to-day lives. Fortunately, the principles of NVC provide useful tools for resolving conflicts. So, here’s what to do next time sparks start to fly:

First and foremost, you need to establish a human connection. This connection is the starting point from which the parties involved can understand each other’s feelings and needs.

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Worum geht es in Nonviolent Communication?

These blinks introduce the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a compassionate way of being with ourselves and others. Through simple techniques, you can learn how to consciously change your language and thinking to forge better quality relationships with others.

Bestes Zitat aus Nonviolent Communication

When … someone really hears you without passing judgement on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good! - Carl Rogers

—Marshall B. Rosenberg

Wer Nonviolent Communication lesen sollte

Anyone wishing to improve their relationship with family, friends and coworkers
Newcomers to a city who want to create healthy relationships with new people

Über den Autor

Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD (1934-2015) was the founder of the Centre for Nonviolent Communication, an international peacemaking organization. He published 15 books in his lifetime, including Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, which has sold more than one million copies.

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