How to Know a Person summary

Have you ever been on, or witnessed, a first date where one of the people just wouldn’t shut up about themselves? Or sat near a restaurant table where everyone was staring at their phones instead of talking to one other? 

In each of these circumstances, at least one person is acting like a diminisher. Diminishers are those who make people feel small and unseen. They’re self-involved, they use other people as tools, and they rely on stereotypes to make judgments.

Most of life is a series of ordinary moments. It's a meeting at work. It’s chatting with other parents while dropping the kids off at school. It’s shopping for groceries with your spouse. In these everyday interactions, we have the opportunity to get to know each other better –⁠ not necessarily face-to-face, but side-by-side.

It starts with small talk. Discussions about the weather or Taylor Swift tend to get a bad rap. But these low-pressure conversations help establish rapport and slowly build up a sense of comfort and mutual respect. That’s important, because the body needs to feel comfortable before the mind can open up. 

Even in the best of times, getting to know someone isn’t easy. But here’s the thing –⁠ it’s not the best of times. In the United States, political animosities are running high and social isolation continues to grow. Many seem to have forgotten how to see and understand one another as human beings. 

This has real, tangible effects. Suicide rates in America surged by 33 percent from 1999 to 2019. Between 1990 and 2020, the percentage of Americans who said they have no close friends quadrupled. Thirty-six percent of Americans reported feeling lonely frequently or almost all of the time –⁠ including 61 percent of young adults.

Most people go about their lives assuming that what they see is the objective reality –⁠ that everyone sees more or less the same thing. In fact, countless studies prove that notion incorrect.

Consider research performed by Dennis Proffitt, a psychologist at the University of Virginia. Proffitt asked different groups of students to estimate the grade of various hills around UVA’s campus. Most participants considerably overestimated the grade. But one group was much more accurate –⁠ members of UVA’s women’s varsity soccer team. The soccer players didn’t see the hills as being so steep because they were highly fit athletes who didn’t struggle to walk up them. Similarly, people who recently consumed energy drinks or listened to happy music saw fewer steep hills than those who hadn’t.

David Brooks’ closest friend, Pete, was an exuberant man. He had a cheerful disposition, a happy marriage, two wonderful sons, and a rewarding career as an eye surgeon. Out of everyone Brooks knew, Pete seemed like the least likely person to fall prey to depression. Yet that’s what happened. In April 2022, Pete succumbed to suicide. 

Through his experience witnessing Pete’s struggle, Brooks learned a lot of difficult lessons. He made mistakes – but eventually, he learned that supporting a depressed person doesn’t mean trying to cheer them up. Instead, it means acknowledging the reality of the situation and showing respect and love for that person regardless. It’s staying present and making it clear you haven’t given up on them, sending little notes or emails to let them know they’re on your mind.