Getting The Love You Want Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus Getting The Love You Want

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Zusammenfassung von Getting The Love You Want

Name: Getting The Love You Want
Rating: 4.3 (245 reviews)
Author: Harville Hendrix

Harville Hendrix

A Guide for Couples

4.3 (245 Bewertungen)

18 Min.

Themen

Listening Love The Psychology of Love Sex Resolving Conflict

Inhaltsübersicht

Getting The Love You Want
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What’s in it for me? Get inside your partner’s head and thrive in a fulfilling relationship.

The “honeymoon period,” or the first steps of a new relationship, is a period of excitement and bliss. You might experience a tingling sensation all over with your first kiss or feel as if you have butterflies in your stomach when your new lover holds you.

But this honeymoon period seldom lasts long. If you’re lucky, it may span a few years or sadly, come to an end after just a few months.

When a relationship loses its initial spark, couples often experience their first conflicts. Previously unnoticed traits of a partner are now hard to ignore; long-known and once-loved habits become annoying. An emotional gap opens up between partners and deepens with each passing day.

How can you preserve your love and save a relationship that is at risk of falling apart? These blinks will explain how you can use Freudian ideas of psychoanalysis to maintain a healthy, loving and long-term relationship.

In these blinks, you’ll also learn

what your partner has in common with your parents;
how your partner can become your enemy; and
why you really should give your partner flowers now and then.

Your choice of life partner is influenced by your hidden childhood desires.

They say that people often end up with partners who are similar to their parents. Most of us, however, would vehemently deny this when it comes to our own relationships.

Yet this is what happens! Unconsciously, we’re all trying to recreate our childhood environment. Nowhere is this more evident than at the beginning of a relationship.

In these early days, people tend to treat each other like babies, admiring how soft a partner’s skin is or how cute a partner’s ears are. Think about the names lovers call each other: kitten, baby, teddy bear. All these items are related to things from childhood.

Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, went even further. He said that even as adults, we’re just crying babies pining after parental love.

So why do we pick partners according to the needs of our “inner child?” From a young age, we construct an image in our head of an ideal caregiver, known as an Imago figure.

The ideal caregiver often resembles our parents and meets our every need. And because we are unconsciously seeking a person who reminds us of that caregiver, the Imago figure influences us when we are selecting a partner.

However, there’s another desire that affects our choice of partner.

We are also attracted to opposites, because in doing so, we work to regain traits that we lost when we entered adulthood.

We all know couples who seemingly couldn’t be more different. One is loud, the other is quiet. One is hyper-organized while the other couldn’t be more scatterbrained.

The reason that such relationships work is that each partner longs for a sense of wholeness. As your personality develops and you leave your childhood behind, you also lose that sense of completeness.

The way to get it back is to have an “opposite” in your life.

Couples can fall out of love when they see personality traits that echo a parent’s character.

Have you ever witnessed how, after just a few months, new couples start to argue? The reason this tension builds and breaks is that partners start to notice traits that they had previously glossed over.

One trait that often comes into focus is that a partner resembles a parent.

People are often looking for ways out of a relationship but don’t consciously realize it.

With divorce rates consistently high, the wedding vow of “until death do us part” clearly isn’t taken seriously. Though you may not realize it, by not fully committing to a relationship, you are essentially keeping an escape route open so you can leave it.

In fact, people are constantly looking for ways out of relationships, if only temporarily. When partners engage in activities separately, they give up the opportunity to spend time together and strengthen the relationship.

Gift giving improves relationships because both partners secretly expect it.

It’s easy to forget that “random acts of kindness” can be beneficial for people close to us just as much as for random strangers. Too often the little things we do for loved ones come with strings attached. We cook a meal out of duty or do the shopping out of guilt for some transgression.

For a marriage to be successful, however, we need to give gifts unconditionally.

Explore the three-step approach to non-judgmental listening.

How do you find out what your partner wants? By listening to your partner, of course!

But some ways of listening are better than others. Follow these three simple steps to improve communication in your relationship.

Use container transactions to express rage harmlessly.

Getting angry from time to time is an inevitable part of life. However, when anger turns to rage it can be hurtful to a partner and harmful to a relationship.

One way to avoid this is to use container transactions, which help you harmlessly express anger.

Changing your personality and shedding your ego is a sign of love and will help you grow as a person.

Would you be willing to change your personality to suit your partner better? Most people would answer with a resounding “no.” We like to think of ourselves as unique, and anyone who wants to “change” us clearly isn’t someone who should stick around.

However, to succeed as a couple, a partnership needs to address weaknesses. In fact, it’s the best thing that you can do for a relationship.

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Worum geht es in Getting The Love You Want?

Getting The Love You Want (1988) offers practical advice on how to save a failing relationship and build a stronger one. It highlights a unique therapy program that offers a step-by-step guide to helping partners address repressed childhood desires and become more compassionate individuals.

Bestes Zitat aus Getting The Love You Want

It is when you direct your energy away from yourself and toward your partner that deep-level psychological and spiritual healing begins to take place.

—Harville Hendrix

Wer Getting The Love You Want lesen sollte

Couples looking to reboot a relationship
People curious about Freudian psychoanalysis

Über den Autor

Harville Hendrix is a relationship counselor with more than 30 years of experience. He is a popular guest on Oprah, and his appearances on the show have helped him to introduce the Imago Relationship Therapy program to an international audience. He also wrote the bestselling books Receiving Love and Keeping the Love You Find.

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