Never Enough summary

Today’s overbearing culture of grade obsession and achievement isn’t spontaneously generated by students. So where does it come from? The short answer is that it’s a product of parental pressure. The longer answer goes like this. 

The United States has always seen itself as a land of boundless opportunities, and for good reason – for great stretches of its history, every generation had the opportunity, with hard work, to become more prosperous than the last. Americans no longer feel that’s the case, however: according to recent polling, two-thirds no longer view generational progress as a given. Objective data backs up this subjective perception. A white middle-class child born in the 1940s, for instance, had a 90 percent chance of out-earning their parents. For a child born in the 1980s, by contrast, that number shrinks to 50 percent. 

Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill, educational researchers at the London School of Economics, have documented a significant thirty-three percent surge in perfectionism among young adults over the past four decades. This rise in unrealistic expectations primarily stems, they argue, from societal pressures and parental demands. Parents aren't intentionally harming their children, in other words – they're responding to a competitive environment accentuated by factors like extreme inequality and social media, which projects unrealistic ideals.

The relationship between parent and child is paramount to a child's mental health. When children can’t meet elevated expectations, they perceive the resulting criticism as a rejection, making them feel unloved. This dynamic pushes them to present an idealized version of themselves to regain affection and security. Ultimately, the underlying issue is that children feel their worth is based on accomplishments rather than their intrinsic value. This has led to confusion between self-worth and achievement, which needs rectification.

So, what else can be done to ensure children are nurtured in ways beneficial for their mental health? Well, one is for them to receive regular guidance that counters the prevailing narrative of success and achievement. And that’s where we adults come in – we can help them prioritize mental and emotional well-being over relentless achievement. 

Take it from Tim Kasser, a well-known psychologist and educationalist who has spent over three decades studying the relationship between the pursuit of career success, wealth, and self-image, and our overall well-being. His research surveys individuals about the importance of various life goals, such as job success, self-acceptance, community involvement, and personal connections. His results consistently show a troubling trend: those who prioritize materialistic goals suffer more mental health issues. This negative association is persistent regardless of age or economic status, with those focusing on status-driven objectives often exhibiting higher rates of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and substance use.

Society perpetuates two compelling – and, ultimately, corrosive – narratives. The first emphasizes scarcity, envy, and hyper-competition, prompting anxiety-inducing FOMO. The second suggests that our worth is determined by our achievements and possessions. 

It’s easy to see why these narratives make us miserable: they encourage short-term thinking that’s oriented to extrinsic values. If we only act on such values, we’re left feeling hollowed out – and unhappy. However, beneath these narratives lies a powerful and universal human longing that we should embrace: the desire to feel valued, to belong, and to be loved.