Negotiating the Nonnegotiable summary

If you’ve taken a moment to consider it, you've probably already recognized the two constituent parts of your identity.

First, there’s what’s called core identity. These are the characteristics that make you who you are, which can be subdivided into five further elements.

We’ve all been there, arguing with someone and feeling utterly sure that our perspective is the correct one. When it seems that nothing can distract us from our absolute certainty, there’s likely one specific factor causing us to think this way; it’s called the Tribes Effect.

The Tribes Effect is a mindset that pits your identity against your opponent’s, leading to a case of “you versus me” or “us versus them.”

Have you ever been deep in an argument with someone only to notice that half an hour has flown by, even though it only felt like five minutes or so?

This effect is known as vertigo.

Pause and have a quick think about your friendships and relationships. Are there any things you just don’t like to discuss with people? There almost certainly are, and it’s likely they would lead to conflict if you did.

These social transgressions are called taboos. Certain groups define their taboos according to feelings, ideas or urges that they deem unacceptable to feel, think or act upon. Consider premarital sex, a prime example of a religious taboo.

Think back to the last time you were quarreling with someone. There’s a good chance you saw yourself as the victim in the situation, and this attitude is caused by what’s known as the mythos of identity.

The mythos of identity refers to the self-written narrative that fixes one’s identity in relation to someone else.

Have you ever wanted to exact revenge on someone? It’s an understandable desire, but it’s not worth it. In the end, it won’t solve the deeper pain, and there are more productive ways to deal with anguish.

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge emotional pain – not just the hurt you’re feeling, but also the pain felt by your adversary.

There may be times when you think a conflict seemingly has no solution, but this is probably because you haven’t yet shifted your perspective and, in doing so, have not reconfigured your relationship to your adversary.

The first step in this process is to identify the identity under threat. Now is the time to take on the mythos of identity we learned about earlier.