Verbal Judo summary

Have you ever been verbally reprimanded by a random stranger for committing some minor misdeed – say, jaywalking on a deserted street? If this has ever happened to you, you can rest assured that your verbal assailant didn’t know the basic rules of Verbal Judo. That’s because effective communication is predicated on avoiding direct orders and condescension.

In fact, there are some common phrases that both police officers and civilians would do well to avoid at all times. For instance, ordering someone to “come here!” will never serve your goals. Not only does it sound threatening; it also gives no information about why the person should comply. A much better approach is to politely get the person’s attention and then ask if you can have a word.

Do relationships with other people ever make you feel tense? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you had a magic wand and could just make all that discomfort disappear? Well, luckily for you, such a magic wand does exist. It’s called empathy, and without it there can be no good communication.

According to the author, empathy combines the Latin prefix em- (“to see through”) and the Greek suffix pathy (“the other’s eye”), and so it literally means to see through someone else’s eyes. In this sense, empathy is about adopting the perspective of another person, whether he’s your spouse, your employer or your friend. No matter what the relationship, empathy is crucial.

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a conversation with someone who keeps going on and on, refusing to let you get a word in edgewise? How can you politely make these people stop talking without hurting their feelings?

Well, the best way to slip yourself into the conversation is to paraphrase, which simply means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.

When used appropriately, communication will enable you to make even the most difficult person happy and compliant. But to get there, you have to seriously develop your skills, reaching the level of a contact professional. What separates contact professionals from your standard good communicator is that the former can deliver in extremely high-pressure situations.

The famous basketball star Michael Jordan is a great example. When the pressure was on, his game only got better, and your goal should be to strive for the same level of professionalism in your communication. There’s only one way to do that.

Sometimes people speak at such cross-purposes that they might as well be speaking two different languages. So it’s no wonder that, in the field of communication, the word “translation” denotes the ability to choose the right words to communicate exactly what you want.

This ability is essential since, in the course of day-to-day conversation, misunderstandings often occur due to an imprecise use of language. Translation endeavors to transmit your precise thoughts, via language, into the mind of the other person. But in order to translate your thoughts into words, you first have to know exactly what you wish to communicate. For instance, you might want to tell your partner that you’re sorry for missing your anniversary.

To teach a child how to safely cross a road, you’ll have to bring her to an intersection so she can observe what’s going on. It’ll be clear to her that the cars move back and forth, some going in one direction and others in the other, and that they occasionally stop. However, she might not understand why they stop until you point out the traffic lights, explaining that green means go and red means stop.

In pointing out this detail, you’re acting as a mediator, allowing the child to recognize something new. Interestingly enough, it’s a skill that’s also key to police work.

A life of blissful harmony and intimacy is the stuff of every couple’s dreams. But real life tends to be quite different. Relationships are hard and domestic fights inevitably pop up, often out of the blue.

For instance, one of the author’s friends married a woman who had four kids from her prior husband. Two months into the marriage, he was still enjoying that honeymoon glow. Everything seemed to be perfect.