The Loudest Guest summary

When the author took up soccer, she faced many fears: Would she be safe? Would she let the side down? Would she look unattractive? Would she be too unfit? Would she fail?

Fear wanted to save her all this embarrassment and possible injury. Had she listened, she’d never have experienced the joy of scoring a goal while her children watched, or celebrated after a match with her husband and teammates.

The development of the human brain over the last two million years has been remarkable. Not only do our brains control our fine motor skills, but they also create, decide, communicate, control emotions, remember, plan, prioritize, think abstractly – the list goes on and on.

Yet, despite all this, the primitive core of our brains – which includes the seat of our fear response – hasn’t changed much: it’s still pretty similar to that of a lizard.

Twenty-six-year-old Valeria’s Olympic performance didn’t go to plan. A year later, her professional career was over. She started work and got on with her life, but felt like it was one big game of catch-up. Promotion came quickly and she found herself part of an executive team. But then her fear took hold: What if she wasn’t ready? What if she let people down? What if . . . ?

Flashbacks to her training and negative advice she was given pushed her even harder. Her guilt for her disappointing Olympic performance and how she’d let people down meant she simply couldn’t fail as an executive. Fear drove her to take on more and more. It became too much. Eventually – exhausted, sad, and overwhelmed – she burned out.

Damian worked for a large government agency that went through some reorganization. He didn’t adapt well and others saw him as a “blocker” of change. Fear told him not to try because he’d fail. He wouldn’t change easily. That it was time for him to leave because he added no value to this new world.

Working with a coach, he evaluated what fear was telling him and asked himself whether the thoughts were true, and whether they were useful. This helped him change his way of thinking. He realized that if he didn’t try he’d surely fail. That, yes, he didn’t change easily, but that he could do it. And that he wanted to be part of the new organization and by getting involved he’d definitely add value.

Imagine that you no longer listen to your fear and tomorrow you suddenly find yourself more courageous. How would your day begin differently from today? How would people react to the new you? What would they see in you that makes them realize you’re more courageous? How does this “new you” think? And what could you now achieve?

This is the key message: Decide to be courageous, and create a contract with your fear.

The author’s first-ever patient was arachnophobic – she had an intense fear of spiders. It was summer, yet she turned up at the clinic dressed in a waterproof coat with the hood up, drawstrings pulled tight, and her tracksuit pants tucked into her rubber boots. She felt more comfortable dressed this way to avoid any chance of meeting a spider. She also repeatedly sprayed her house. It was all pretty effective – she didn’t meet any spiders.

The patient believed that it was her actions that prevented spiders from running up her legs and ending up in her mouth. She was convinced she’d been saved by listening to her fear and acting accordingly.