Find Your People summary

What would you say is the number one reason you don’t have friends? The main explanation Allen hears people give is that they’re too busy. Instead of setting up a regular time to meet with friends, people squeeze in a lunch date here and there. Or they attend a monthly club where the conversation never really goes beyond the surface. 

The reality is that this “busyness” is an illusion. Allen explains that you don’t necessarily need to spend a ton of time going out and trying to make friends –⁠ God has put lots of people into your path already. All you have to do is invite them into your life!

Jennie Allen was interviewing a friend of hers, Jessica, for a podcast one morning. During the conversation, she asked Jessica how she could be a better friend. Allen expected to hear a fairly casual response, like “Text me more often!” or “Let’s set up a weekly phone chat!” But that’s not how Jessica responded. Instead, she said, “You never need me. You never need anything from me. I want you to need me more.”

The response brought tears to Allen’s eyes. Jessica was one of her dearest friends. But she had asked for something Allen wasn’t sure she could give.

Allen’s adopted son, Cooper, was born in Rwanda. When she took him back to the village of his birth, surrogate tribal elders took it upon themselves to parent him. At one point, Cooper was showing off in front of a bunch of local kids. Pastor Fred, one of the village elders, pulled him aside. He told Cooper he was missing out on a great opportunity to learn about the other children’s lives. Even though it probably felt nice to be treated like he was special, Pastor Fred told Cooper, the other kids were special too. He had a responsibility to listen and take an interest in them, just as Jesus would have.

In Pastor Fred’s culture, it’s normal for elders to coparent people’s children. Rwandans hold each other to Jesus’s standard and let each other know when they aren’t living up to it. Whether they’re blood-related or not, everyone holds each other accountable.

Prior to the Industrial Revolution, the default community was a tight-knit one. But as jobs in cities became plentiful, people began moving to major metropolises and away from family and friends. They began valuing work over home. Instead of allowing the sun to set the pace of the day, electric lights allowed people to log twelve-plus hour workdays. Then, as city housing grew increasingly unaffordable and people began moving to suburbs, their work and home lives grew even more distinct and less connected. 

Nowadays, the situation is even worse. Thanks to social media, virtual connection takes precedence over real-life connection. All the facets of our lives have become separate, with work, home, and spirituality having little to do with one another. 

At some point in the future, sooner or later, you’re going to come to a point when you want to abandon one of the friendships you’ve made.

It’s inevitable. You will come into conflict with one of your friends –⁠ either because you’ve hurt them or they’ve hurt you. But conflict isn’t a reason to walk away from your friends. In fact, by engaging in conflict, you’re proving your commitment to the relationship. Conflict teaches you the ways in which you’re behaving badly or not loving someone well, and so it enables you to grow.

God built us to be in⁠ close-knit community, where we support and fight relentlessly for one another. Many of us dream of having a group of friends we can share everything with – the good and the bad. Sadly, the enemy is doing everything in his power to ensure that we remain divided and isolated. We must do our utmost to fight against him by building villages that serve as centers for spreading God’s love. To do that, we need to find and keep our people by following five simple rules: being in close proximity to one another, going deep, staying accountable, finding a shared mission, and resolving conflict.