Boys & Sex summary

People don’t discuss it. People barely even acknowledge it. It’s as taboo as taboo can be – and yet, online, it’s as common as cat gifs. 

We’re talking, of course, about pornography.

Dating apps, booze-fueled one-night stands, awkward mornings after – today’s teens and young adults have seemingly “swiped right” on hookup culture, a culture that encourages casual sex but frowns on emotional attachment or commitment.

But this culture comes with real costs. 

Across the United States, tolerance is trending – particularly when it comes to LGBTQI+ acceptance. In 2004, for example, only 31 percent of surveyed Americans said they supported same-sex marriage. By 2016, that percentage had jumped to 61.

But while tolerance is increasing, it isn’t universal. LGBTQI+ teens are still more likely than their straight peers to be affected by mental-health issues, domestic violence, and sexual assault. What’s more, a lack of openness and education around non-penetrative sex can make it difficult for queer teens to explore and embrace their sexual identity during adolescence.

From hip-hop to streetwear, black culture is prized by teen boys. But are black teen boys themselves prized in society?

Young black boys face the same struggles with toxic masculinity as their white peers. But the way their blackness is perceived – both by their peers and by society – can further complicate their sexual expression and experiences.

The night is young and so are you, and you just want to dance, dance, dance. You've never been to such a good party before. All your best friends are here, and you've had two – or is it three? – stiff drinks. And now, suddenly, an attractive stranger grabs your hand and drags you to the dance floor.

You dance, you talk, you end up going home together. Now what? Well, your answer to this question might depend on your gender.

Boys will be boys. Under the cover of this well-worn phrase, boys can get away with just about anything – from pulling girls’ ponytails on the playground to getting into fistfights. 

But there’s one thing they can’t get away with: being vulnerable. 

It’s hard to know what kind of men today’s boys will grow up to be. After speaking with a broad cross section of adolescent boys, Peggy Orenstein unearthed many positives in contemporary boyhood. Today’s boys are informed about consent, and they’re progressive when it comes to embracing feminism and LGBTQI+ rights. At the same time, they’re taught outmoded ideas about masculinity, socialized to repress their emotions, and exposed to more graphic pornographic content than any generation that came before them. Moreover, they live in a country whose president bragged about “grabbing women by the pussy,” and where a high-profile judge was elected to the Supreme Court after brushing off serious allegations of sexual assault.

How can parents and educators help these boys become good men – men who respect themselves, their sexual partners, and the people around them?