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Zusammenfassung von Listen Like You Mean It

Name: Listen Like You Mean It
Rating: 4.4 (332 reviews)
Author: Ximena Vengoechea

Ximena Vengoechea

Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection

4.4 (332 Bewertungen)

24 Min.

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Skills Listening

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Listen Like You Mean It
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What’s in it for me? Learn how to listen empathetically and deepen your connections with others.

How good are your listening skills?

Most of us aren’t terrible listeners –⁠ but we aren’t all natural aces, either. We might come away from a conversation having heard only one part of the story. We might have misunderstood a friend’s feelings about a particular situation. Or we might believe we successfully empathized, when, really, we failed to listen and instead made the conversation all about us.

When these issues crop up, we end up feeling distanced from our conversation partners. Especially today, as so many of our conversations have moved to our devices, it’s essential to cultivate warmth and honesty in our face-to-face interactions as often as we can. Let these blinks be your guide to listening like you mean it.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to stay present in a conversation;
how the words “yes, and” can help you; and
what men and women each mean when they say “hm-hmm.”

Approach conversations with the intention of really focusing on and engaging with your partner.

A young researcher, Eve, and her mentor, Mia, were exploring the issue of cyberbullying on their company’s platform. That process involved interviewing celebrities and others who regularly become the targets of abusive comments online.

Eve and Mia had gotten to their third interviewee when Eve made a serious conversational blunder. She said to the participant, “And the people who write mean things about you – you just ignore them, right?”

The participant responded that he actually found it difficult to ignore cyberbullies, though he wished he could. Eve responded, “Right, so you would ignore them. Makes sense.”

It’s easy to see the problem with Eve’s approach here. She was making assumptions based on what she’d heard from other interviewees, and she neglected to consider that this participant’s experience may have been entirely different.

The key message here is: Approach conversations with the intention of really focusing on and engaging with your partner.

Eve was doing what the author calls surface listening. This is when you hear the words that someone is literally saying but don’t bother paying attention to the underlying meaning. Surface listening might cause you to offer unsolicited advice, interrupt your conversation partner, or assume her experience has been the same as yours.

What you want to do instead is engage in empathetic listening, which involves making a concerted effort to understand the meaning behind your conversation partner’s words. This activates the listening loop – a virtuous cycle in which your partner feels free to express her emotions, and you in turn are encouraged to express your own.

To get in the mindset for empathetic listening, you’ll need to cultivate three distinct qualities: empathy, humility, and curiosity.

Empathy is all about being able to imagine what someone else is feeling without necessarily injecting your own experiences into the conversation. To foster this quality, remind yourself that the conversation isn’t all about you, and ask questions specific to the other person.

Next, there’s humility, which involves refraining from passing judgment on your conversation partner’s experiences. Remember that you don’t have all the answers, and reassure your partner that she’s free to share everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Finally, there’s curiosity. Curiosity means being open to what your partner has to say, even if it’s not a topic toward which you’re naturally inclined. Find something that interests you in whatever your partner has to say, and you’ll open the door to a conversation that satisfies everyone.

Stay present in a conversation by observing yourself and your partner carefully.

Have you ever had a conversation bright and early with someone who was definitely not a morning person? If so, you probably noticed him giving half-hearted answers, barely paying attention, or yawning every few moments. Alternatively, perhaps you’ve been that person yourself!

Whether you’re an early bird or a night owl, there are bound to be certain times of day when your energy is low and you find it hard to be fully present. When that’s the case, the quality of your conversations suffers greatly. Being fully present is a crucial aspect of empathetic listening.

Identify what your conversation partner needs from you, and then try to provide it.

Do you know what your listening style is –⁠ that is, the role you gravitate toward in conversation? There are lots of them out there, and each of us tends to lean toward one or another.

For instance, are you an explainer – the kind of person who offers a rational answer for everything, even when your conversation partner might not want her feelings analyzed? Are you an identifier – someone who always tries to relate a friend’s experiences to your own at the risk of making the conversation all about you? Or maybe you’re an interviewer, who asks so many questions that the conversation ends up feeling like an interrogation?

Deepen a conversation with connecting questions – and then confirm your understanding.

The author’s research on storytelling once brought her to the office of a well-known New York–based newspaper. While there, she interviewed a journalist who couldn’t seem to stop multitasking. When the author asked a question, all she got were clipped, efficient responses.

The author knew she’d have to dig deep to get more substantive answers. So she asked the journalist a broad question: “What does a good story look like?” The journalist responded, “You just know.” Not exactly what the author was looking for. She posed a few more follow-up questions, like “How do you know?” and “What does that feel like?” Finally, the journalist gave her a real response.

Stay flexible, and don’t force the conversation in a particular direction.

“Yes, and” is a well-known technique in improv comedy. It’s used to move scenes forward and encourage collaboration among members of an acting group. Say one person sets up a scene involving a gorilla. Ideally, another member will respond with something like, “Yes, and . . . that gorilla is an excellent singer.” You can see how “yes, and” helps encourage twists, turns, and collaboration.

“Yes, and” is also a great principle to keep in mind during everyday conversation. Instead of shutting down a conversation when it heads in an unexpected direction, we can instead use our partner’s ideas as building blocks. Many people go into conversations – especially important ones like job interviews – with a set script they want to follow. But that rigidness can be a barrier to deeper conversation.

Politely and carefully redirect conversations that go off-track.

Jordana was polite, chatty, and making it hard for the author to interview her. Despite her friendliness, Jordana seemed set on achieving her own agenda during the conversation –⁠ and it was pretty different from the author’s.

At one point, for instance, the author tried to ask Jordana a question about her business. But Jordana immediately pivoted to ask whom she could talk to about getting free ad credits.

Be aware of the reasons why a conversation might become uncomfortable.

Ever talked with a native New Yorker? If so, you probably noticed a pretty distinct conversational style. For many New Yorkers, interrupting is often considered a sign of engagement and interest –⁠ not rudeness. But that’s certainly not the case in many other parts of the US.

Misunderstandings can be all too easy when we speak with people who are different from us in some way. Along with regional differences, for instance, there can also be gender differences in conversation styles: women tend to say “hm-hmm” to acknowledge what another person has said, while men normally use “hm-hmm” as a sign of agreement.

Exit conversations that become too toxic or conflict with your priorities.

Let’s face it: many of us have a hard time setting boundaries. But when we fail to exit conversations gracefully or tell people we don’t have time right now, our relationships ultimately suffer.

There comes a point when, say, a friend calls us one too many times to complain about her partner without asking how we’re doing. As a result, we begin to resent her. Or maybe our weekly meetings with a coworker, which always run over, have been causing us to miss our train home – and so we begin to dread working with her.

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Worum geht es in Listen Like You Mean It?

Listen Like You Mean It (2021) is a friendly, comprehensive guide to deepening relationships through the power of listening. Too often, our conversations with family, friends, and coworkers remain superficial – we talk past each other, refrain from showing vulnerability, or get caught in a tangle of misunderstanding. With tips and scripts taken from the author’s experience as a user researcher, we can improve our listening skills and, in doing so, be heard and understood ourselves.

Wer Listen Like You Mean It lesen sollte

Professionals who want to improve their workplace communication skills
The socially awkward
Anyone seeking more connection and understanding

Über den Autor

Ximena Vengoechea is a San Francisco–based user researcher who has worked at various tech-focused companies including Pinterest, LinkedIn, and Twitter. She is also a writer and illustrator whose work has appeared in the Washington Post, Newsweek, the Huffington Post, and Inc. Listen Like You Mean It is her first book.

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