Wired for Love summary

The language of love is all about the heart. We say: “You stole my heart,” or in the opposite case, “You broke my heart.”

But actually, these phrases would be much more accurate if we said “You stole my brain,” and “You broke my brain.” But that just sounds plain wrong! It transforms love from something deep and profound into something banal, grotesque even. And yet, it is the case that love starts, grows, flourishes, and ends in the brain.

So let’s start with the aspect of love that’s easiest to understand: attraction. Attraction is well understood by biologists. We know that it happens incredibly quickly –⁠ we can assess the suitability of a prospective mate within less than 200 milliseconds of first seeing them.

We also know many of the factors that drive attraction. And, as strange as it might sound, one of those things is ourselves. One study showed participants photographs of themselves photoshopped onto the bodies of the opposite gender. Both men and women failed to recognize themselves and rated their own photo as the most attractive of the bunch!

Another thing that plays a critical role in attraction is smell. We tend to be attracted to people who have scents that are different from our own. Why? Well, our scent is influenced by our immune system. And offspring produced with someone whose immune system is different will inherit more ways of fighting off disease.

So that’s the story of “love at first sight.” But what about what happens in our brains when we begin to fall in love deeply?

At that point, the brain begins releasing a cascade of neurotransmitters and chemicals. These have a major effect on our mood and the way we perceive the world. Falling in love triggers a region of the brain called the ventral tegmental area, which is – coincidentally – heart-shaped. This pumps dopamine into the brain and triggers the same regions that are activated when we eat delicious food or drink wine.

But that’s not where the story ends. Falling in love also increases the production of norepinephrine, which distorts our perception of time. This is what makes it feel as if time is flying, and that we’re laser-focused on every moment with our beloved. Simultaneously, serotonin levels drop, which might cause irregular eating patterns or obsessive thoughts about the person we’re in love with. Finally, physical contact with a lover triggers the release of oxytocin, the hormone that increases feelings of empathy and trust.

So, in short, there’s a lot going on when we fall in love! But what exactly is the point of all this? Is love just about helping us identify and pair with a mate? Or is there something more going on? Let’s explore this topic further.