Unrequited summary

You’ve probably heard the expression “madly in love,” but did you know that physicians have actually diagnosed and treated romantic obsessions as a mental illness?

It’s true. Throughout history, there are instances of noblemen being diagnosed as suffering from lovesickness, also known as amor heroes, or heroic love. These men suffered from things like obsessive thoughts and loss of appetite, and such a diagnosis was considered honorable.

To most people, it seems like the roles in romantic relationships are clearly divided between men and women – but that’s absolutely incorrect. Even though society deems it appropriate for men to pursue women and not vice-versa, our bodies and behavior contradict this notion.

For instance, when men and women fall in love, they experience identical neurochemical and hormonal changes – that is, with one exception: testosterone. This hormone, associated with sex drive and aggression, goes up in women while it drops in men. In other words, when women are in love, their masculine side is heightened, filling them with fighting spirit and making them just as determined as men to pursue their love interest.

Have you ever been turned down by someone you were in love with, only to find yourself transforming into a person you could barely recognize?

Well, it might not have happened to you, but for some people, facing rejection can precipitate a descent into a fog of madness that obscures the line between courtship and stalking. Romantic obsessions can make people so self-centered that they fail to see how damaging and intrusive their behavior becomes. This is a major reason why stalkers view their scary and unsettling behavior as a genuine expression of love.

Have you ever wondered how muses can so powerfully inspire artists? Could it simply be their beauty and the joy they bring?

Well, when someone who’s madly in love focuses her energy on a productive task, we often assume she’s just staying busy to distract herself from her beloved. What we don’t consider is just how inspiring unrequited love can be.

If you find yourself enthralled by a lover’s spell and decide you want to have your life back, it’s essential to separate your values from your love object. A great technique for doing so is cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT, which helps patients overcome infatuation by transforming their habits of thought and behavior while recognizing their true needs.

For example, psychologist Jennifer Taitz asks her love-obsessed clients to avoid giving in immediately to the urge to contact their love interest. She also advises them to consider what they really need. By doing so, they discover that their needs run much deeper than the affection of that particular person. They might really be looking for, say, a sense of self-worth.