Listen Like You Mean It summary

Have you ever had a conversation bright and early with someone who was definitely not a morning person? If so, you probably noticed him giving half-hearted answers, barely paying attention, or yawning every few moments. Alternatively, perhaps you’ve been that person yourself!

Whether you’re an early bird or a night owl, there are bound to be certain times of day when your energy is low and you find it hard to be fully present. When that’s the case, the quality of your conversations suffers greatly. Being fully present is a crucial aspect of empathetic listening.

Do you know what your listening style is –⁠ that is, the role you gravitate toward in conversation? There are lots of them out there, and each of us tends to lean toward one or another.

For instance, are you an explainer – the kind of person who offers a rational answer for everything, even when your conversation partner might not want her feelings analyzed? Are you an identifier – someone who always tries to relate a friend’s experiences to your own at the risk of making the conversation all about you? Or maybe you’re an interviewer, who asks so many questions that the conversation ends up feeling like an interrogation?

The author’s research on storytelling once brought her to the office of a well-known New York–based newspaper. While there, she interviewed a journalist who couldn’t seem to stop multitasking. When the author asked a question, all she got were clipped, efficient responses. 

The author knew she’d have to dig deep to get more substantive answers. So she asked the journalist a broad question: “What does a good story look like?” The journalist responded, “You just know.” Not exactly what the author was looking for. She posed a few more follow-up questions, like “How do you know?” and “What does that feel like?” Finally, the journalist gave her a real response.

“Yes, and” is a well-known technique in improv comedy. It’s used to move scenes forward and encourage collaboration among members of an acting group. Say one person sets up a scene involving a gorilla. Ideally, another member will respond with something like, “Yes, and . . . that gorilla is an excellent singer.” You can see how “yes, and” helps encourage twists, turns, and collaboration.

“Yes, and” is also a great principle to keep in mind during everyday conversation. Instead of shutting down a conversation when it heads in an unexpected direction, we can instead use our partner’s ideas as building blocks. Many people go into conversations – especially important ones like job interviews – with a set script they want to follow. But that rigidness can be a barrier to deeper conversation.

Jordana was polite, chatty, and making it hard for the author to interview her. Despite her friendliness, Jordana seemed set on achieving her own agenda during the conversation –⁠ and it was pretty different from the author’s.

At one point, for instance, the author tried to ask Jordana a question about her business. But Jordana immediately pivoted to ask whom she could talk to about getting free ad credits.

Ever talked with a native New Yorker? If so, you probably noticed a pretty distinct conversational style. For many New Yorkers, interrupting is often considered a sign of engagement and interest –⁠ not rudeness. But that’s certainly not the case in many other parts of the US.

Misunderstandings can be all too easy when we speak with people who are different from us in some way. Along with regional differences, for instance, there can also be gender differences in conversation styles: women tend to say “hm-hmm” to acknowledge what another person has said, while men normally use “hm-hmm” as a sign of agreement. 

Let’s face it: many of us have a hard time setting boundaries. But when we fail to exit conversations gracefully or tell people we don’t have time right now, our relationships ultimately suffer.

There comes a point when, say, a friend calls us one too many times to complain about her partner without asking how we’re doing. As a result, we begin to resent her. Or maybe our weekly meetings with a coworker, which always run over, have been causing us to miss our train home – and so we begin to dread working with her.