The Lost Art of Connecting summary

When you think of social networking, what comes to mind? Facebook? LinkedIn? Twitter? With so many media platforms, there are endless ways to connect. In fact, we can socialize with anyone anywhere at any time.

But when it comes to the depth of our social interactions, technology hasn’t helped. According to a study published by the Pew Research Center, the average number of close confidantes per American adult shrank by up to one-third between 1985 and 2009. If anything, social media is making it harder to maintain strong, meaningful bonds.

Picture a traditional networking event. You’re in a hotel lobby bustling with people on a mission to get a job, business card, or investment – and all of you can’t wait to leave. Part of what makes the traditional networking paradigm so unattractive is that people don’t show up to connect on a human level – rather, they’re motivated by a what’s-in-it-for-me mindset.

This transactional approach has become expected in the age of social media networking: you create an online post, then wait to be rewarded with a follow, like, or comment in return. While these types of interactions produce short-term benefits, they can only go so far. And, unfortunately, they don’t build a true human connection.

Think of all the times you made an ask and got that wonderful yes – yes, the job is yours; or yes, you can have a higher budget. And how many times did you go into those exchanges assuming you’d get that yes? Chances are, part of you anticipated a rejection before getting that positive outcome.

Asking for help can be daunting. It’s easy to envision a negative outcome just thinking about the asking part. But what would happen if you went into every meeting confident that you’d get that yes?

Looking back at the close relationships you’ve formed over the years, what did it take to go from that first meeting to forming a lasting connection? The answer isn’t always so clear-cut. What gives a relationship depth isn’t just one action, but many small, yet significant, gestures over the years.

The idea isn’t to become besties with all your professional contacts. But if you want relationships to make a strong impact on your career and life, it’s worth aiming for a deeper connection. A meaningful conversation is your tool for transforming a distant business exchange into a long-lasting friendship.

To see the Gather, Ask, Do method in action, look no further than Lois Weisberg, who was the cultural commissioner of Chicago in the late nineties. She was also celebrated for being a “super connector” in 15 to 20 different powerful communities – including doctors, lawyers, bankers, artists, and politicians.

Thanks to her connections, she facilitated economic and social projects that transformed the city of Chicago for the better. In 2016, she died at the age of 90, leaving a long legacy of taking action to help people in her city feel seen. And that’s exactly what the final Do phase is all about.