The Connected Child summary

Janey’s mother was shocked when her daughter had a huge tantrum because she wasn’t allowed a snack before dinner. “I hate you!” Janey screamed, before slamming her door and bursting into tears. 

Janey wasn’t being difficult or acting spoiled; she was scared. Her response stemmed from the profound fear of going hungry – something she’d experienced so many times in the past when her caretakers neglected to feed her. What she needed was reassurance, not punishment. She needed to learn that in this new environment, she was safe. 

How can you learn to communicate if nobody took the time to interact with you as a child? Or what if your parents only screamed abuse at you instead of having a conversation? 

Communication is one of the most important skills that humans learn. It’s how we interact with each other and express our needs. It’s also how we form attachments to our parents. But at-risk children have often missed out on learning good communication skills. That’s why it’s so important for adoptive parents to spend time teaching their children how to communicate – and to model healthy social interactions themselves.

Old-fashioned sayings like “spare the rod, spoil the child” have always taught that harsh discipline is in a child’s best interest. While corporal punishment may not be your style, you might still be tempted to become extra strict if your child has behavioral problems.

Children do need you to set clear boundaries. But overly strict punishments can actually backfire when you’re dealing with children from deprived or abusive backgrounds. 

Have you ever gone to the supermarket when you’re really hungry and ended up buying way more food than you’d originally intended? Imagine what it’s like for a kid who’s spent most of her life going hungry. Suddenly, she’s surrounded by more food than she could ever eat. The experience is exciting – but also completely overwhelming. Before you know it, you’re embroiled in a tiring battle of wills about what your child is allowed to put in the shopping cart.

All parents know what it’s like to be in these kinds of high pressure, high conflict situations. The good news is that, with a bit of foresight, you can make a plan to minimize the conflict and defuse tension before it even arises. 

When’s the last time you had a belly laugh with your kid? Amid all the pressure of household chores and homework, it’s easy to forget to make time for one of the most essential parts of parenting: having fun with your children. 

And what better way to have fun than by playing games together? Playing games gives you the chance to interact positively with your kids, and you’ll fill their “trust banks” by showing them you care about spending time with them. Building trust strengthens your relationship and will make all of your interactions easier.

Imagine you were driving a car but never put any gas or oil in it. Soon enough, the car would come to a shuddering stop at the side of the highway. 

Cars need the right fuel to function. In the same way, our brains require the right food if they are to function optimally. This is especially crucial for at-risk children who have experienced chronic stress or abuse growing up. 

At a camp for at-risk children, a boy was asked to draw a self-portrait. He drew an enormous airport with planes and clouds and, at the very bottom, a tiny speck representing himself. The portrait symbolized how he saw himself – small and insignificant in a large and bewildering world. 

Many at-risk kids have similarly low self-esteem. That’s why one of the most important things that adoptive and foster parents can do is nurture self-confidence. 

Imagine you’re climbing up a tall, snowy mountain. You’re treading carefully and making slow, arduous progress. Suddenly, you lose your footing and slip down the slope.

Adopting or fostering a child can feel like that. As much progress as you make, there will always be times when it seems like nothing’s going well or it feels like your child has regressed.