Take Back Your Brain summary

Have you ever heard that nagging Voice in your head? The one that tells you to be likeable and pleasant, that your ideas aren't worth sharing, or that you're not enough of a woman without hitting certain milestones? Even committed feminists aren't immune to this Voice, because it's not actually your own beliefs - it's the mouthpiece of internalized misogyny.

Internalized misogyny refers to the unconscious absorption and perpetuation of sexist attitudes by women against themselves or other women. It's a product of living in a patriarchal society, where we unknowingly internalize harmful gender stereotypes and biases.

Women are often socialized to have "conditional self-esteem," feeling good about themselves only when meeting society's ever-changing, often unrealistic conditions. It's no wonder studies show men typically have higher levels of self-compassion than women. Even awareness of these unfair expectations doesn't shield us from their effects.

Consider this: numerous studies have shown that women consistently underestimate their performance compared to men, even when completing identical tasks. This phenomenon contributes to what we might call the "brain gap" - a disparity in how women and men perceive their own abilities and potential.

To close this brain gap, we need to embrace two core principles:

What you think isn't necessarily true.

You can intentionally change what and how you think.

Our brains start as blank pages, absorbing both explicit and implicit messages from our environment. In a patriarchal society, many of these messages are misogynistic, even when they contradict each other. For instance, mentors might encourage assertiveness, while pop culture glorifies meekness and compliance.

Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches us that our thoughts drive our emotions, which in turn drive our actions. These actions create returns that shape our world, often reinforcing our original thoughts. For example, thinking you have no friends can lead to isolating behavior, which results in having fewer friends, thus emphasizing the initial thought.

To change your world, start by retraining your thoughts. This isn't about toxic positivity or unrealistic affirmations. Instead, it's about weeding out thoughts that hold you back and rewiring your brain with an incremental approach.

Be prepared for resistance and discomfort. Our brains can change their set thought patterns, but they don't always like to! You might experience "limbic friction" - the discomfort and resistance felt when trying to change ingrained thought patterns or behaviors. The limbic system, responsible for emotions and habits, tends to resist changes that feel unfamiliar or threatening.

Rely on self-compassion to overcome these difficulties. Instead of berating yourself for mistakes, approach your thoughts and actions with curious self-compassion. Ask gently: what's happening here?

Start retraining your brain with this simple exercise: Every time you have a self-critical thought, add the phrase "how human of me" to the end. For example, "I yelled at my kids - how human of me" or "I forgot to send that form - how human of me."

Remember, reclaiming your brain from internalized misogyny is a journey. It requires patience, persistence, and above all, compassion for yourself. By challenging the Voice of misogyny in your head, you're not just improving your own life - you're contributing to dismantling the patriarchal structures that perpetuate these harmful thought patterns. So take that first step, and begin closing your own brain gap today.