Real Love summary

We’ve all been there, keeping a lid on anger, frustration or hurt until we explode. But repressing difficult feelings limits our emotional experiences and makes us more miserable.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but when we don’t fully engage with emotions that are uncomfortable or painful, we prolong our suffering rather than avoid it. Author Sharon Salzberg was reminded of this after her close friend committed suicide. During a meditation retreat, Salzberg downplayed the depth of her grief because she was reluctant to engage with it. The monk leading the retreat was shocked by this, encouraging her to release her feelings by crying wholeheartedly. When she found the courage to do this, Salzberg no longer felt imprisoned by her sadness. 

Imagine you’re having coffee with your partner, and she’s distracted. A voice in your head tells you she’s lost interest in you, that it won’t be long before she falls out of love. And you believe this voice without question.

Often in relationships, we don’t clearly state what we mean or feel, so our loved one is left to fill in the gaps themselves. And if our loved one doesn’t do a bit of investigating first, they may unwittingly fill those gaps with damaging misinformation.

Imagine you’re sitting in the car, sweltering because your partner has turned the heat up too high. Instead of turning it down, you tell yourself that your partner’s comfort is more important than yours. But you can feel your resentment brewing.

In a situation like this, you’re encountering one of the most challenging aspects of any close relationship: navigating the space that exists between us and our loved one. That space can be literal, like the interior of a car, but it can also be more figurative: the emotional distance caused by our individual needs and vulnerabilities. 

From time to time, most of us like to think of ourselves as superheroes, swooping in to heal the broken hearts, minds or bodies of loved ones. But is this actually beneficial or are we just meddling in their problems? 

Even when we have the best intentions, trying to “fix” someone who’s ill or emotionally injured can be counterproductive. This is because it puts pressure on our loved one to live up to our expectations so they don’t disappoint us. Plus, lots of people are hounding them with suggestions about how to get better, and pressure doesn’t help people heal.

We all feel the sting of jealousy from time to time. Our best friend marries someone gorgeous and we think we never will, a colleague gets the publishing deal we long for, our yoga buddy nails every pose while we flounder. We feel like there’s not enough love, opportunity or talent to go around.

However, there’s a way we can actually benefit from other people’s happiness through what’s called sympathetic joy. We just need to learn how to experience it. 

Imagine you’re at the grocery store checkout, mind busily running through your “To Do” list, shoulders tight with stress. You pay the cashier without glancing up. What you haven’t seen is the bright smile he’s sending your way. You’ve just missed out on a dose of connection.

The pressures of modern life mean we’re often running on autopilot, not fully present in the moment because we’re absorbed in our own concerns. But this means we’re cheating ourselves not only of receiving love but of creating it through small acts of kindness that cost us little and strengthen our connections to others.

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I’ll be happy when…”? Most of us connect happiness with achieving a particular milestone in life: the dream job, apartment, partner or child. But in truth, life-changing happiness occurs on a much smaller scale, and even difficult emotions can help us attain it.

In our effort to be happy, we often repress emotions like anger in an effort to avoid confrontation. But this is a false economy. If we deny our anger, we can’t let it go and this stops us from being happy. For example, if we have a messy housemate, we might quietly seethe as we yet again deal with the tower of dirty dishes he left in the kitchen. But until we acknowledge our frustrations, we can’t shift into the mind-set we need to address our problem constructively. And taking constructive action is the key to letting go of anger.