Option B summary

If you’ve been confronted with personal tragedy or any traumatic and life-changing event, it can dramatically alter your outlook.

Psychologist Martin Seligman has identified three common responses to tragedy, which he calls the three Ps.

The first one is personalization – blaming yourself for the tragedy.

The author, Sheryl Sandberg, went through this stage after her husband died during a vacation in Mexico. Since the initial medical report listed the cause of death as head trauma caused by a fall from an exercise machine, Sheryl blamed herself for not keeping a closer eye on her husband.

But Sheryl’s brother happens to be a neurosurgeon and was sure that the initial report was wrong; he tried to convince Sheryl that a fall from such a small height couldn’t be fatal.

Sure enough, the second autopsy proved him right; Sheryl’s husband died from cardiac arrhythmia due to a non-diagnosed coronary artery disease.

But this was just another thing Sheryl could personalize, and she began to ask herself, “Why didn’t I try harder to change his diet or get him to see his doctor more often?” Again, those around her, including her doctors, tried to assure her that it wasn’t her fault and that no single lifestyle change would have saved him.

Another common reaction, and the second of the three Ps, is pervasiveness – when the pain and sadness reaches every part of your life.

Being Jewish, the Sandbergs held Shiva, a seven-day period of mourning. Afterward, her children went back to school, and Sheryl tried to return to work. But the pain of her husband’s death felt all-consuming.

Sheryl couldn’t get through a meeting at work without holding back tears and being on the verge of breaking down.

This brings us to permanence – feeling like the pain is going to last forever.

This can be the most difficult P to overcome because when we feel depressed, it’s easy to think that the load is so immense, we’ll never be able to shake it.

But in the next blink, we’ll start to see just how we can move on.