Marry Him summary

Picture this: you’re planning your summer vacation. You’ve worked so hard this past year, you’re determined to make this trip the very best you can.

So first, you make a list of your criteria for destinations: you want great weather, stimulating cultural experiences, fun outdoor activities, and great food. And it’s got to be affordable. You come up with a list of your top 5 destinations.

At the time of writing, Gottlieb is 41 and still looking for her soulmate. The dedication in her book reads “For my husband, whoever you are.” 

Gottlieb knew she wanted to marry and have kids someday. But in her twenties, she didn’t consider herself to be seriously looking for a spouse. She dated plenty of attractive and successful men, but those relationships didn’t last. In retrospect, she says she was prioritizing the wrong things – things like amazing chemistry, sparkling wit, or high status – over the kinds of qualities that lead to an enduring partnership.

Though it isn't fair, Gottlieb says that, in the world of heterosexual dating at least, things can be harder for older women.

Firstly, as we get older, there are fewer natural opportunities to socialize and meet new people. There aren’t the same built-in social mechanisms as in college, for example. And when you do meet people, they’re increasingly paired off. 

In researching her book, Gottlieb spoke with many women in successful long-term marriages, with all kinds of origin stories. Some couples were wildly in love with each other from the start – sexual fireworks, butterflies in the stomach, the whole shebang. Others, not at all: they married someone who they felt was a good match for them, at the right time in their lives, but without any of that white-hot passion. All those years later, who ended up happier? 

Surprisingly, Gottlieb reports there was no consistent difference! Initial sparks and passionate chemistry, as addictive as they are, don’t seem to be all that predictive of long-term relationship satisfaction.

The key to finding yourself in a happy marriage is focusing on the fundamentals: shared values, shared goals, mutual respect, and strength-of-character. Especially earlier in life, try not to get too hung-up on a specific romantic narrative or ideal type. Your priorities will no doubt change as you get older. 

In love, as well as in life, consider whether you’re being a maximizer or a satisficer. The latter strategy can often be wiser and healthier. And whether or not someone seems thrilling right from the start, remember that personal qualities like kindness, honesty, humility, and selflessness have benefits that will last a lifetime.