Lighter summary

You may or may not have had a traumatic past. Whether your upbringing was peaceful or turbulent, it still affected you. The fact is, it’s during your youth – though you weren’t conscious enough to realize it – that your surroundings taught your brain how to react.

When you react impulsively now, that reaction is programmed based on past experiences. It’s not a reaction to the situation right now. For example, maybe as a young child your father disapproved of crying. Maybe instead of comforting you, he shamed you. Fast forward 30 years, you’re at work complaining about the coffee being too strong. A coworker walks by and tells you to stop whining about it, and without warning, you’re overwhelmed by anger and you lash out at them.

You don’t have to live in sadness, anger, frustration, emptiness, or despair. But to free yourself from these things, you have to do the hard work of letting go.

So what are you hanging onto that needs to be released? The answer to this goes back to that tension we described in the previous section. The difference between what you have and what you want is where you’re living. That space of wanting what you can’t have is dragging you down.

Your first impulse or emotion doesn’t define who you are. It’s a part of you, but it isn’t the whole you.

Humans have the unique ability to consciously choose their paths rather than being solely guided by survival instinct. Your preprogrammed emotional responses are rooted in survival. But now that you’re no longer a child, you’re beyond survival. You get to choose the life you want and actively work toward that life.

Growth and maturity aren’t about achieving perfection. Your goal is progress. You’ll experience benefits from progress, and these benefits will, in turn, motivate you to continue your journey of growth.

So it’s important that you look for signs that you’re doing things right. Here are seven signs you can look out for.

You can only love another person to the depth that you love yourself. That’s why personal healing is the single best thing you can do to improve your relationships.

If you’re in an intimate relationship, partnership, or marriage, it’ll help to share your intentions to pursue personal growth with your loved one. Since everyone knows that communication is the bedrock of a healthy relationship, it’ll help to establish communication guidelines with your partner.

So how do you know whether your efforts at growth and healing are working?

Measuring growth is challenging. You can easily get caught up in the moments. This one was good, so I must be doing well. This one was bad, so I must be doing badly.