It’s Not You Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus It’s Not You

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Zusammenfassung von It’s Not You

Name: It’s Not You
Rating: 4.4 (72 reviews)
Author: Sara Eckel

Sara Eckel

27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single

4.4 (72 Bewertungen)

16 Min.

Inhaltsübersicht

It’s Not You
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What’s in it for me? Appreciate the single life.

How many times have you pitied yourself? How terrible does it feel to have been alone for such a long time? How many awful dates have you gone on, just so you could feel a little bit of tenderness?

As a woman in your thirties or older, single life is laden with hardship. It’s an ongoing struggle – against the expectations of society, against your own self-conception – and you’re under constant pressure to find happiness in a world where happiness means finding a partner, getting married and having children.

Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. These blinks teach you to appreciate your single life again. You’ll learn what it takes to be happy as a single woman as well as how to escape the pressures of society. There are some simple techniques that will help you oppose the prejudices of married women and allow you to approach dating with ease.

You’ll also learn

why you shouldn’t erase feelings of sadness;
what Fox News thinks about single women; and
what you should do about your dissipated lifestyle.

It’s okay to be yourself and to feel lonely from time to time.

If you’re unhappily single, you may have heard that, before you can find a partner, you need to fix things about yourself. This, in fact, is the advice of many dating experts.

But this advice puts the blame for your singledom on you and your needy and off-putting personality. It also leads people to believe that they need to resolve their own personal and self-esteem issues before they can even hope to start a relationship, which simply isn’t true.

Psychologist John Gottman, who has been researching newlywed couples, is determined that there isn’t some ideal personality that is required for a successful relationship. Rather, the challenge is to find a person who accepts you for the person you are, neuroses and all.

So don’t beat yourself up thinking that you need to fix your relationship with your parents or overcome your low self-esteem in order to be someone’s loving partner or spouse. According to psychology professor Kristin Neff, people with low self-esteem are generally just as lovable as those with high self-esteem.

That said, it’s absolutely normal for feelings of loneliness to be accompanied by feelings of shame and a desire to fix yourself.

These feelings are wired into our brains because, for our ancestors, living alone was a deadly proposition; long ago, we needed company to help protect us from dangerous predators. Neuroscientist John Cacioppo tells us that the shame we feel about loneliness is still part of our biological wiring, and it can kick in even when we’re living safely in a studio apartment.

So, if you want to ease these feelings, the best thing to do is simply accept them as part of the human experience.

Sadness is an important part of being alive, and online dating has its advantages.

What is your idea of a happy life? Does it include marriage and kids as well as a satisfying job? Research does show that individuals who are married tend to be happier than single people. However, it’s important to keep in mind that 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, and that there are still plenty of women who are happily single.

It’s also important not to ignore or suppress your feelings of unhappiness if they arise.

Successful and confident women can intimidate men, but they have great chances of getting married.

If you’re a single woman who has struggled to find a partner, here’s a question: Are you a confident woman who has full control of your fast-paced professional life? If so, this is a good thing, right?

Well, if you are a self-confident woman, know that this confidence may intimidate men who feel that you might not have the need, or the time, for a meaningful relationship with them.

Misguided relationship advice includes opinions about desperate and over-affectionate women.

According to dating experts, many women end up single because they’re not confident enough – because they’re needy. Such women are criticized for seeming too desperate to get married. This desperation, assert the experts, is off-putting and a little sad.

But this label of “desperate” is often utterly inaccurate and is often applied to women who are far from desperate.

Sometimes over sharing with friends can increase your chances of bad dates.

If you’ve been on a number of unsuccessful dates, you may be familiar with a popular post-date activity: getting together with your friends to recount how badly it went.

This activity may seem innocent enough, but these friendly chats could end up hurting your chances of forging a successful relationship.

Don’t feel forced into relationships or going out every night in order to find Mr. Right.

Here’s another common yet misguided piece of advice: Before you can have a happy marriage, you must have enough prior experience with long-term relationships.

There’s never been any proof to suggest that experience in long-term relationships is required in order to enjoy a happy marriage. Rather, the opposite would seem to be the case, since there are plenty of people who found their first love in their late thirties, forties or fifties and went on to have a happy marriage.

Avoid getting trapped by negative emotions and wrongheaded opinions about being single.

One of the toughest parts of being alone is being stuck with your own thoughts, and asking yourself questions like, “Why am I still single?” Or, “Why did he abandon me?” It can be easy to get stuck under a cloud of negativity.

Unfortunately, many single women become trapped in what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls psychic entropy, which is when the mind can only focus on negative things.

Love is all around, as long as you keep your eyes and heart open.

When you think about love, you probably think about romance. But romantic love isn’t the only form of love or the only way to find happiness.

Love can be found in every moment of your day-to-day life, not only in romantic relationships.

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Worum geht es in It’s Not You?

It’s Not You (2014) is an antidote to the stereotypical dating guides that offer advice that isn’t relevant to today’s modern lifestyles. Here you’ll discover why you no longer need to panic about being single after you turn 30 and why marriage needn’t be regarded as key to your happiness. This is a guide to help today’s single women navigate a dating world that is quite different than it was just a generation ago.

Bestes Zitat aus It’s Not You

If everyone had to get right with themselves before finding a partner, the population would have died off long ago.

—Sara Eckel

Wer It’s Not You lesen sollte

Single women in their thirties
Married women who are afraid of leaving a toxic relationship
Anyone who feels guilty about being single

Über den Autor

Sara Eckel is a freelance writer whose essays and criticism have appeared in a number of publications, including the Washington Post and Glamour. It’s Not You, based on her popular Modern Love column for the New York Times, is her first book.

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