Toxic Positivity summary

Imagine this. You’ve just found out that you’ve lost your job. You’re upset – freaking out, even – and have no idea what to do next. 

Maybe a chat with a friend will make you feel better. You want support and validation for the way you’re feeling. Your friend will know just what to say. So you tell them – “I’ve lost my job.” And what does your friend say? “Well, it could be worse. And at least you’ll have lots of spare time now. Think of it as a learning experience!”

Do you feel better now? Didn’t think so.

Your friend’s response is a classic example of toxic positivity. Unfortunately, these conversations happen all the time. You share your problem, and someone tells you to look on the bright side. 

They mean well – they really do. But their reaction probably leaves you feeling misunderstood and distant from the other person. You might even feel worse than before. Toxic positivity tends to have this kind of effect. After all, it’s called “toxic” for a reason.

The author, Whitney Goodman, is a licensed marriage and family therapist on a crusade against toxic positivity. In her mid-twenties, she realized she was exhausted from pretending to be happy all the time. And as a therapist, she soon discovered that telling her clients to focus on positive thinking and emotions was totally ineffective.

What’s going on, she wondered? Why can’t we just be honest about how we’re feeling? And what if certain kinds of positivity are actually harmful?

By the way, Goodman is not the first person to challenge the idea that all positivity is, well, positive. 

Academics and researchers like bell hooks and Barbara Ehrenreich have already criticized the pursuit of happiness and positivity. They’ve pointed out just how damaging these attitudes can be, both for individuals and marginalized communities.

In fact, criticism of toxic positivity dates right back to the beginning of the problem. The American psychologist William James was sounding alarm bells way back in the nineteenth century. So, toxic positivity and its critics are nothing new. 

It’s time we took the problem seriously. We need to acknowledge that the insistence on being positive can be harmful in a myriad of ways – particularly for vulnerable people. In other words, it’s time to stop telling people to “look on the bright side.” Maybe there is no bright side! Or maybe the person suffering from a chronic illness isn’t in the mood for chirpy clichés.