Can We Talk? summary

Your boss tells you to lift your performance, but she doesn't tell you where you need to improve. A colleague wants your help on a project, but you have no idea what sort of time commitment is involved. You try to tell your manager you’re unhappy with your current role, and he nods along, but weeks later your situation is unchanged.

What’s the problem with all of these conversations? Well, one or both of you hasn’t been clear about what they want or need out of the discussion.

It’s important to be clear what you want from a conversation and to stick to your guns about getting it. But there’s one communication principle that trumps clarity – and that’s compassion, our third principle. Let’s look at this exchange between Matt, a manager, and Damian, his report. Damian, a star player on Matt’s team, was recently promoted at Matt’s insistence. But in this new role, Damian has disappointed. Matt wants to know why. The conversation starts well. Demonstrating confidence and clarity, Matt lays out his concerns and asks Damian to account for his poor performance.

Damian tries to explain, but his answers aren’t satisfactory. Matt pushes. Damian breaks down. He’s going through a divorce and his father is terminally ill. Note that Damian hasn’t defaulted to a sob story to explain away his performance – he’s genuinely struggling. But – at exactly the point where he should have stopped to empathize with Damian – Matt brings the conversation back to Damian’s job and how he can improve. In doing so, he misses an opportunity to do something more powerful than simply achieving his conversational objective – to demonstrate compassion.

Getting in touch with your inner child can pay dividends when it comes to workplace communication. Before you get too excited, We’re not suggesting finger-painting sessions instead of weekly stand-ups or mandatory afternoon naps. But we are suggesting you tap into a childlike sense of inquisitiveness next time you face a difficult conversation.

Kids are full of questions – Why is the sky blue? Why can’t I eat chocolate for dinner? As adults, we’re less likely to ask questions than to form judgments. And more times than not, our judgments are likely to be wrong, or at least only partially right. To get the full picture, you need to get curious, which is our fourth principle.

Conversation isn’t a competitive sport – in order to “win” what you want out of a dialogue, your partner doesn’t necessarily have to lose. When you meet each other halfway, everyone can walk away from a conversation feeling like they’ve won. Which brings us to our fifth principle, compromise. 

Here’s how to have win-win discussions:

As you work your way up the corporate ladder, there are a few things you can expect to automatically accrue along the way: more money, more status, and a more impressive job title. But there’s one quality that won’t automatically accrue no matter how close you get to the C-suite – and it also happens to be a prerequisite for professional success. I’m talking about our sixth principle: credibility. You can be an intern, yet still inspire trust and confidence in others. And you can be a CEO, yet still struggle to bring others on board with your vision.

Luckily, credibility is a quality that you can cultivate. Here’s how:

Here’s the honest truth: sometimes workplace conversations are downright unpleasant. You can clarify your objectives beforehand, ask the other person all the right questions, compromise adeptly, and reach a mutually satisfactory outcome – and still find every second of the discussion deeply uncomfortable. What’s more, some of the high-stakes situations where you most need to advocate for yourself – like if you’re experiencing workplace harassment, for example – are the most nerve-wracking to broach with your colleagues. So, how can you muscle through tricky conversations and stand up for yourself effectively? That’s where our seventh and final principle comes in: courage.

Fear of discomfort is often what holds us back from initiating difficult but necessary discussions. Someone takes credit for our work, but we decide not to call them out on it. Someone on our team isn’t pulling their weight, but we decide not to make waves by calling it to our boss’s attention. Here’s the thing: not talking about the problem won’t make it go away. As long as the problem persists, so do our feelings of discomfort and dissatisfaction. Moreover, if you consistently fail to assert yourself, your colleagues may take advantage of that fact. If you don’t push back when others pawn their work off on you, odds are they’ll continue to overload you with work.