Name: The Anatomy of Peace
Rating: 4 (63 reviews)
Author: The Arbinger Institute

What’s in it for me? Find out how – and how not – to resolve conflicts.

Life would be so much easier if people would only stop being so difficult! Pretty much everyone has, at one time or another, been entrenched in a conflict with a troubled teen, a disenchanted spouse or a pestering neighbor. And, as you probably know, confronting the difficult person usually leads to all the blame being put on you.

Truth be told, it’s difficult to sustain a conflict when one person chooses not to play along. So, if there are feuds or quarrels in your life, you’re at least partially responsible. But how can you pinpoint where your responsibility begins? And how can you remove yourself from conflict? That’s what these blinks are about.

As you’ll find out, even your well-intentioned efforts – trying to help someone overcome a drug habit, for instance – can result in a never-ending cycle of reproach and resistance. The crucial part in this is your mindset or, more specifically, how you see and address people. This is good news, because your mindset is something that you can change.

In these blinks, you’ll discover

how the sultan Saladin won a war with a peaceful heart;
what it means to be in an “I-deserve box” and why that’s a bad thing; and
why your partner never does what you tell him or her to do.

There are two ways to view those around you: with either war or peace in your heart.

Let’s imagine that you were raised to fear and hate left-handed people, because two thousand years ago a group of left-handed people attacked your family’s right-handed ancestors.

But one day, you notice a man leaving a store that sells left-handed goods. As he’s in the middle of crossing the street, he falls and drops his bag, spilling his belongings. What do you do?

There are basically two options: you can have a heart of peace or a heart of war.

To have a heart of war is to see the person in need of help as inferior, or as an object rather than a human being, which is a sure way to perpetuate conflicts.

Your inner-voice may tell you not to help him because you were taught that his people hate your people. But this frames him as only being part of a group or concept, rather than recognizing him as an individual.

The heart of war suppresses our sense of compassion and urge to help; it’s the kind of mindset that creates and perpetuates hate, conflict and war.

The better option is to have a heart of peace and listen to your sense of compassion – to see those around you as human beings.

Even if you are forced into a war, you can still treat your opponent with compassion, which is what the sultan Saladin did in the twelfth century after the Crusaders massacred the people of Jerusalem.

Eventually, Saladin’s Muslim army retook the city from the Christians, but he did not slaughter the innocent, as the Christians had a century before. He forbade his people to harm them, provided them with safe passage and even kept the city open to Christian pilgrims in the years that followed.

This is what a heart of peace looks like: you choose compassion and treat others as human beings, burdened by their own fears and desires.

Once this happens, others will be more likely to treat you the same way, increasing the likelihood of peace.

We actively perpetuate conflicts by refusing to accept other perspectives.

No one enjoys getting into an argument with their spouse, child or coworker. Yet all too often we end up starting and restarting conflicts by engaging in the very behaviors that we don’t like.

This is what happens when we have a heart of war and see those around us as enemies. We go around thinking everyone is trying to cheat us or work against us – a mentality that inevitably leads to conflict.

We justify our behavior by putting ourselves in boxes, but this can be avoided.

The human capacity for self-delusion is spectacular. How often have you convinced yourself that some hurtful actions were completely justified?

One strategy that we use to justify our poor behavior, and to blind ourselves to the perspectives of others, is to create boxes for ourselves.

Key ideas in The Anatomy of Peace

What is The Anatomy of Peace about?

The Anatomy of Peace (2006) addresses an unpleasant fact: how common it is for people to resort to conflict as a way of resolving differences at home, in the workplace and in the world at large. Learn the reasons behind this mindset and how we can find a better way to move forward. There’s no reason to think things have to be the way they are today. With a little understanding, we can all choose the path of peace.