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Zusammenfassung von The Power of a Positive No

Name: The Power of a Positive No
Rating: 4.4 (174 reviews)
Author: William Ury

William Ury

How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

4.4 (174 Bewertungen)

22 Min.

Kurz zusammengefasst

"The Power of a Positive No" by William Ury is a practical guide on how to respectfully and effectively say no. It teaches readers how to assert their own needs and values while still maintaining positive relationships.

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The Power of a Positive No
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What’s in it for me? Discover the power of an affirmative “no.”

The word no is powerful. It puts up walls, establishes boundaries, and sets limits. Yet a lot of us still have trouble saying it. That’s because no comes with consequences. How can we say no to overtime without jeopardizing a promotion? Or say no to our partners without hurting their feelings?

Instead of saying no, we often accommodate and say yes, leading to resentments or problems down the line. Or we say no so harshly that it comes out like an attack. Or we just try to avoid the situation altogether. Each approach only makes the situation worse.

These days, with the ever-increasing erosion between work and home, knowing how to say no is more important than ever. These blinks reveal how to deliver a Positive No – one that firmly establishes your boundaries and protects your time, your values, and the people you care about – all without jeopardizing your relationships.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to engage in constructive and respectful dialogue;
how to say yes to yourself and safeguard the things that matter most to you; and
how to create the outcomes you’re looking for.

To uncover your underlying yes, you must discover the reason you’re saying no in the first place.

Saying no can be difficult, can’t it? Of course, but it's especially hard when you're addicted to something like alcohol or drugs. Despite knowing that you should say no, it can take years to find the strength to refuse that tantalizing drink.

After many years of addiction, one alcoholic was finally able to quit only when he became a grandfather and desired to be a positive force in his grandchild's life. This reveals something powerful: that a Positive No doesn't stem from being against something, but rather, it's motivated by a deeper yes.

The key message here is: To uncover your underlying yes, you must discover the reason you’re saying no in the first place.

Most people tend to say no reactively, either as an accommodation, an attack, or out of avoidance – what the author calls “the three-A trap.” These types of nos stem from fear, guilt, or anger. But for your no to be positive, it must come from somewhere more proactive, forward-looking, and purposeful. So next time you’re about to say no, stop and ask yourself what you really want, what’s most important to you, and why.

While no is a clear statement of what you don’t want, it is ultimately motivated by the things you do want. Say your friend is over and asks to light up a cigarette in your living room. It’s likely you don’t want someone to smoke in your home, because you don’t like the smell and you also care about air quality. The same holds true for all situations you want to say no to. So next time you have to say it, ask yourself, what are you trying to create, protect, or change? Reflect on your interests, needs, and values to settle on what really matters to you.

Having done so, you arrive at your yes – that is, the intention that underlies your interests. Remember: a powerful intention should be positive – it should be for rather than against. Just like the alcoholic who found his true desire was to be alive and well for his grandchild, you need to pinpoint what truly matters to you. Because finding your yes gives you strength to carry through with your no. Now with this sense of purpose in place, the next step is to empower your no.

To empower your no, you must have a plan B.

Once you’re clear on your deeper yes, you’ll need to develop a plan B to support your intention. People don’t like to take no for an answer, so you’ll need something to back you up in case you meet resistance.

Take the case of Rosa Parks. Her refusal to give up her seat was backed up not only with intention – the desire for dignity and equality – but was also strengthened by her activist roots. Parks had a plan B. Although she knew she’d likely be arrested – that the world wouldn’t accept her no – she also knew that she had a powerful movement behind her.

In order to get a yes to your no, start by showing respect.

Now that you’ve determined your underlying yes and come up with a backup plan, your next step is to help the other party accept your no. The problem is that when most people hear a no, they take it as a personal rejection, and often feel hurt or humiliated.

Here, it’s useful to consider the role of hostage negotiators. Obviously, they can’t say yes to the hostage taker’s demands, so how do they say no and still ensure the safety of the hostages? Well, according to NYPD hostage negotiator Dominick Misino, the first step is to show respect.

For your no to be successful, you need to clearly and respectfully express your yes.

Which of these is a more pleasant rejection to an invitation? “Uhhh, sorry, but . . . no,” or, “I appreciate you thinking of me and I really wish I could come, but I’m already engaged that day.” There’s clearly a preferable way to politely decline an invitation.

Believe it or not, your Positive No has to begin with a yes. This yes is an affirmation of values – the value of the product you’re selling or, in a personal context, your value as a human being. It also reinforces your underlying intention and explains to the other person why you’re saying no.

By asserting your no, you set a clear boundary and establish a new reality.

When two people stand at an altar and say “I do,” their words aren’t just an expression of a feeling, but also an action. Uttering those words changes the reality of their situation as they transform into a legally married couple.

And so it goes with your Positive No because you’re not just describing your feelings or desires. Instead, you’re setting a boundary, stating what you plan to do, and doing so confidently.

Proposing a practical solution that meets everyone’s needs helps the other person accept your no.

While your Positive No should be firm, it shouldn’t be the end of the story. You’re not only trying to communicate your needs – you’re also trying to persuade the other person to agree. What’s more, often the person you’re saying no to is a loved one or a colleague, and you can’t risk hurting the relationship.

So what can you do to make it easier for them to accept your no?

To make your no stick, you have to help turn resistance into acceptance.

When President Lyndon Johnson’s speechwriter, Richard Goodwin, tried to resign, LBJ used a master tactician’s array of flattery, bribery, and threat to reject Goodwin’s no. Luckily, most people you’ll be saying no to aren’t as wily as LBJ. Then again, maybe if Goodwin had the power of a Positive No, he wouldn’t have had to tear up his resignation letter.

But when facing someone less stubborn than LBJ, your no can dash their hopes or threaten their interests, so resistance should be expected. As should sulking, pleading, backlash, or perhaps even a sudden onset of deafness. This will be the moment for you to follow through with your Positive No.

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Worum geht es in The Power of a Positive No?

In The Power of a Positive No (2007), William Ury dives deep into the power of no. Since no is easily one of the strongest words in any language, people tend to misuse it or are afraid of using it for fear of upsetting someone. The Power of a Positive No tells you exactly how to stand up for yourself and deliver a firm refusal while resisting aggression and maintaining key relationships.

Bestes Zitat aus The Power of a Positive No

The power of your no comes directly from the power of your yes.

—William Ury

Wer The Power of a Positive No lesen sollte

Chronic people-pleasers and polite folks who struggle to assert themselves
Young professionals learning how to navigate workplace disputes
Anyone feeling powerless when it comes to establishing firm boundaries

Über den Autor

William Ury is a cofounder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation, he’s an academic and best-selling author of Getting to Yes and multiple other books. Having worked as a mediator in the Middle East and the Soviet Union, Ury also teamed up with President Jimmy Carter to start the International Negotiation Network.

Kategorien mit The Power of a Positive No

Persönliche Entwicklung Kommunikation & Soft Skills

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