Name: How to Love
Rating: 4.3 (334 reviews)
Author: Thich Nhat Hanh

What’s in it for me? Lessons on love from a globally renowned master of mindfulness.

If you’ve picked up a magazine or browsed a lifestyle site recently, you’ll have heard the word mindfulness. Being in the moment and really savoring every bite you eat, every step you take, or every flower you see can work wonders. Mindfulness can make you happier and more productive, boost your attention span and help you realize long-cherished ambitions.

After noticing how this ancient Asian technique was making inroads in modern Western societies, world-famous Vietnamese Buddhist monk and spiritual teacher Thich Nhat Hanh had an idea. What would happen if you applied the techniques of mindfulness to the thing that matters most to all of us – love?

How to Love is his answer. Full of insights and actionable advice on love, these blinks are an indispensable guide that illuminates the tangled paths of the heart.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to tell if you’ve found your true love;
why respecting yourself is the foundation of loving others; and
how to practice sex wisely and achieve true intimacy with your partner.

Love must be nourished with happiness and shared with others.

Imagine adding a spoon of salt to a glass of water. It’ll be undrinkable, right? But what if you add the same amount to a river? A spoonful of salt won’t change much at all.

Love is a bit like that.

If our hearts are small, the tiniest faults and failings of those around us can enrage us. If we expand our hearts, however, we become capable of treating others with compassion and empathy.

So how do you become more loving?

Love needs sustenance. It needs happiness.

That’s because love is a living thing and, like every other breathing being, it needs nourishment.

Happiness is the food of love. When you’re happy, you become capable of loving both yourself and others.

But that begs the question: What is happiness?

Zen Buddhism can provide a few insights.

Happiness can’t be attained by fulfilling superficial desires. It’s the fruit of mindfulness. Take walking. If you focus your attention on every single movement of your body and forget your eventual destination and the reason you’re trying to get there, you’ll begin to understand what happiness is.

That’s because mindfulness is about experiencing and appreciating the present moment. When we’re attentive to the present, we begin to notice how much beauty there is in the world. We can truly appreciate the joys of something as simple as a blossoming flower.

But don’t keep this to yourself! Beauty, like love and happiness, is made for sharing.

Practicing mindfulness is a great way of learning how to share these gifts with other people.

Imagine going for a walk with a friend who’s preoccupied and worried about something. You can bring happiness and love into their troubled reflections just by pointing out the things that warm your heart, whether it’s the sun or the play of clouds in the sky above you.

To understand the true nature of love, you must recognize its four traits.

What do you think of when you hear the word “love”?

Many of us associate the concept with a particular kind of desirable partner – ideally a good-looking and successful one!

Love requires you to trust and respect both yourself and your partner.

So now you know the key traits of true love. What else do you need to know?

Well, there are two other crucial elements to love – respect and trust.

Spiritual practice can help us learn to love and establish true intimacy.

Who has represented true love on the stage of world history? Most of us would name figures like Jesus, Gandhi, the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa if we were asked to think of an example.

Spirituality and religion don’t enjoy the best reputation in our increasingly secular world. But when it comes to true love in practice, most of the names that spring to mind are those of deeply devout and spiritual men and women.

Sex on its own doesn’t establish true intimacy and should therefore be practiced wisely.

Intimacy and sex are often conflated. Euphemisms like “we were intimate” underscore this. But in reality, they’re different things altogether.

That’s because sex on its own can’t establish true intimacy.

Partners should share the same aspirations and seek to communicate lovingly with each other.

Maintaining a loving relationship is hard. That’s a good reason not to make the whole business even trickier by settling down with a mate who doesn’t share your values and life goals.

A sense of shared aspirations is vital to cementing a healthy relationship.

Loving involves becoming mindful and learning how to play the role of a healer.

Chances are that you’ll have encountered the concept of mindfulness in a hundred different settings. The idea has become hugely influential in the West, and we’re regularly confronted with advice on how to walk, eat and exercise in a mindful way.

So why not love mindfully too!

Question your assumptions about your relationship and rely on these key insights.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you had a wise little elf perched on your shoulder who could whisper the right words for every occasion directly into your ear?

As anyone who’s ever escalated a fight by accidentally choosing the wrong words knows, that’d be especially useful when it comes to resolving arguments!