We Need to Talk summary

Do you shy away from difficult conversations? Many people do. But sometimes conversations that look impossibly difficult can turn out surprisingly well.

Take the case of Xernona Clayton, who was born in the 1930s and became involved in the US civil rights movement. She also worked as head of a city planning program in Atlanta, Georgia – where one of her colleagues was a man named Calvin Craig, a prominent member of the Ku Klux Klan. 

The author hosts a radio show, on which she’s interviewed countless guests. But even she makes mistakes in conversation from time to time.

Once, for example, a devastated friend turned to her for consolation after losing her father. The author’s response was to relate her own experience of bereavement – her father had died when she was just nine months old.

If you want a friend or colleague to open up in conversation, one of the best things to do is to consider the sorts of questions you ask them. 

You might think that the best way to extract a long, detailed answer is to ask a long, detailed question. But it’s not. The most effective way to encourage a full response is to use one of six short words: who, what, where, when, why, or how.

A recent scientific study looked at what happens in the brain when people talk about themselves. It discovered something intriguing: when you talk about yourself, the same part of the brain lights up as when you eat sugar, take cocaine, or have sex. It seems that talking about yourself is that pleasurable.

Listening, on the other hand, not so much! In fact, it’s genuinely hard work. And if you think it simply involves not talking for a while, you’re mistaken – it’s a skill all of its own. 

The power of listening well is one thing, but listening is only one half of any conversation. Even if you’re paying close attention to what the other person is saying, there’s no getting around it – at some point, you’re going to have to speak too!

How do you make sure your contributions to a conversation are good ones? Put yourself in your listener’s shoes, and consider how you sound to them.

Being a radio host means that talking to people is part of the author’s job. But that doesn’t mean she is always on. In fact, when she gets home from work, if there are people she needs to talk to for administrative tasks, she often asks her son to do it for her.

Is she being antisocial? Far from it. But she knows her limits.