Get It summary

It goes without saying that you’re not likely to get what you want if you don't know what you want. So before you even engage someone in conversation, the first thing to consider is what your ideal outcome would be.

Sometimes, what you’re trying to achieve will be fairly obvious. If you’re in a job interview, for example, you probably want to communicate to the interviewer that you would make a competent employee – or else you’re not getting that job!

Other times, what you want might not be so clear-cut. Take dating, for example – half the dating profiles out there read, Let’s just see where it goes. But, of course, this lack of awareness about what we want sometimes leads us to do things we regret.

That’s why, before jumping into a conversation with anyone else, you need to have a conversation with yourself.

The key message here is: You’ll have more profitable conversations with others if you’re honest with yourself.

To better understand what you truly desire, it’s absolutely essential to do some candid self-reflection.

Being clear about what you really want will set the tone for every conversation you have, and it will help you make more informed and effective decisions. For example, if you know that what you truly crave is recognition for your talents, you might do better being more assertive in conversations. But if what you truly long for is intimacy, then you’ll generally want to be less assertive and more empathetic.

As you become attuned to your deeper needs, you might also begin to realize that what you really want might look a little different than what you thought you wanted. You’ll become less attached to the specific appearance of a desire and more open to diverse opportunities for fulfillment.

For example, one of the author’s clients, a man named Matt, thought he wanted to have children. But, as he found out, his deeper desire was simply to be part of a loving family. He ended up meeting a woman who already had children, and he found happiness in becoming their surrogate father.

Being clear on what you truly want will help you get what you want, both by influencing how you conduct conversations and by making you more receptive to the surprising opportunities that conversations sometimes have to offer.