What is the main message of Say What You Mean?

The main message of Say What You Mean is the power of mindful communication for building deeper connections and resolving conflicts.

How long does it take to read Say What You Mean?

The reading time for Say What You Mean varies depending on the reader, but it typically takes several hours. However, the Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

Is Say What You Mean a good book? Is it worth reading?

Say What You Mean is worth reading for its practical insights on becoming a better communicator. It helps improve relationships and enhance overall well-being.

Who is the author of Say What You Mean?

The author of Say What You Mean is Oren Jay Sofer.

Say What You Mean Summary of Key Ideas and Review

Name: Say What You Mean
Rating: 4.6 (338 reviews)
Author: Oren Jay Sofer

Introduction

What’s in it for me? Learn practical skills for more meaningful communication.

If you’re like any other human being on this planet, you’ve probably experienced the power words can have. They can be the difference between giving up and finding new hope at a painful time, or could be the element that makes or breaks a relationship. The words we use and the way we say them are fundamental to the way we connect with the people around us.

But while few things are as common as dialogue, it is surprisingly difficult to get right. Although we’re all constantly talking, many of us lack the words we need to express ourselves in an authentic way. All too often, we don’t know how to say exactly what we mean – and be heard.

The good news is that finding your voice and speaking your mind are skills that anyone can learn. In these blinks, you’ll discover the ingredients for successful communication, and the simple principles you can use to bring joy to the conversations you have. You’ll understand how to feel more at ease bringing up difficult issues, and how to listen to the deep concerns behind others’ words.

You’ll also find out

how a camera can help you avoid being judgmental;
why chasing pleasure and resisting pain are not always the best strategy; and
what your emotions have in common with a smoke alarm.

Key idea 1 of 11

In successful communication, we create understanding through awareness.

Have you had the experience of talking to someone who just doesn’t seem to hear you? Have you found yourself telling a story to a friend whose attention is focused on his phone, or tried having a conversation with a partner whose eyes are glued to the TV? If so, you’ll know that this can be incredibly frustrating, because although you’re both speaking the same language, there simply isn’t any awareness of you or your words – it’s like you’re not even there.

Ultimately it means that, in such moments, communication can’t and isn’t happening.

The key message here is: In successful communication, we create understanding through awareness.

It might seem obvious, but we rarely stop to think about why we’re communicating at all. The answer? It comes down to one simple word: understanding. Understanding is the purpose of all communication.

In order for understanding to be the ultimate outcome in our communication, however, we need awareness. But what does awareness mean when it comes to communication?

Well, the one thing it requires is presence. More than just a state of mind, presence means physically being aware of, and sensing, all aspects of yourself through your body. It’s being in tune with your mental states and your emotional experiences – just as they express themselves in your body.

Having presence for a moment or two is easy enough for most of us – it’s as simple as turning your attention inward and becoming aware of what you’re feeling and experiencing at that moment.

What’s more challenging, though, is keeping that awareness going, especially when you’re in the middle of a conversation.

There are good reasons for that: For one thing, it takes time and effort to let go of our old communication patterns, which might include things like yelling when we don’t feel heard or giving someone the silent treatment. Even when we know these counterproductive methods are ineffective, it can still be quite hard to replace them with something more life-enhancing.

The good news is that presence can be learned – it’s just a question of practice and learning a few basic principles.

Key idea 2 of 11

Leading with presence is the basic principle of effective communication.

Think about the last time you admired the beauty of a sunset, enjoyed a swim in the sea, or shared a moment of intimacy with a close friend. During these wonderful, intense experiences, we feel fully awake – we’re completely and wholeheartedly present. It’s what makes them so rich.

But the benefits of presence don’t stop there. Presence is not limited to those extraordinary moments – it’s actually available to us throughout our lives.

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Key idea 3 of 11

Consciously choosing when to speak or listen is key to meaningful conversation.

A meditation teacher working with a group of prisoners once asked them to add up the time they were all doing there; it came to well over a hundred years. Then he posed this next question: How long did it take you to decide to commit the crime that landed you here? The combined total was less than two minutes. Quite a contrast, right?

Most of our impulses may not be criminal, but that crucial pause between an urge and the resulting action is useful for much more than just avoiding jail time. When it comes to conversation, reflective pauses have the power to make it more engaging and, ultimately, fulfilling.

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Key idea 4 of 11

Recognize your unhelpful conflict styles and don’t play the blame game.

Ever lived with someone who wasn’t as tidy as you? Imagine spending hours scrubbing the kitchen, only to find a fresh pile of dirty dishes crowding the sink. The frustration you may feel as a result could cause you to wonder out loud why your housemate is such a slob!

Conversely, do you consider your housemate to be a clean freak, responding to his accusation with “Why can’t you just relax?”

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Key idea 5 of 11

Intention is the most powerful element of conversation.

Though conflicts can be a sore point in our communication, that doesn’t mean that a difference of opinion is always a bad thing. Sometimes, successfully working through a profound disagreement with a partner or a close friend can actually lead to a deeper sense of intimacy.

It’s the differences between us that make life so rich. They bring us together and help us get to know each other better. But how do we make sure that our disagreements bring up new ideas and insights instead of ending up in conflict?

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Key idea 6 of 11

Listening is how we maintain connection in a conversation.

You’re not listening to me!

Ever heard – or said – those words in the middle of a heated argument?

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Key idea 7 of 11

Recognizing our needs is at the heart of successful communication.

Imagine what it would be like if whatever someone said or did, you could always hear the deep inner concerns behind his words and actions. Imagine that you always intuitively knew what mattered to you in any situation.

This kind of harmony with yourself and with others doesn’t have to remain a fantasy. It is possible in your everyday life, and what it comes down to is recognizing your values and needs, and those of others.

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Key idea 8 of 11

Emotions are signals that alert us to our needs.

What would you do if a smoke alarm in your home suddenly went off right now? Would you keep doing what you were doing, hoping that it would somehow go away by itself, or would you start looking around to see if there were an actual fire happening somewhere?

While we all understand the call to action that unmistakable beeping sound sends, the signals coming from within our minds and bodies can be much harder to decipher.

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Key idea 9 of 11

Raising a difficult issue successfully involves making an observation and avoiding judgment.

Remember what was shared regarding the blame game? Well, in summary, blame thrives on judgments and interpretations. Your friend never does what he says, your colleague is disorganized, your partner is too messy, and so on. The ultimate result is that when the other person doesn’t agree with your judgment, they’re going to challenge it. And before you know it, you’re in the middle of a screaming match.

But how do we say what we mean in a way that allows us to stay true to ourselves without hurting the other person or starting a fight?

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Key idea 10 of 11

Asking for something is about finding a way to meet a need.

Do you have trouble asking for help even when you really need it? If so, you’re not alone. For many of us, it can feel easier to carry a heavy load alone than to face the fear and discomfort of reaching out. And that’s understandable. We don’t want to be a burden on other people – we want to leave them free to say no.

It’s not that our intentions are bad – thinking about others’ needs is great. But in the process, we often neglect our own.

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Key idea 11 of 11

Dialogue will flow if you’re attentive to its parts.

Ever danced the night away? Then you know what a great conversation can feel like. Just like in a dance, the steps can take a while to learn, but when you’re effortlessly spinning away arm in arm with a partner, it feels magical.

So far, you’ve learned a lot about the steps, but now let’s talk about putting them together.

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