Codependent No More summary

Jessica was married to an alcoholic. Though the warning signs came early – he stayed out drinking all night on their honeymoon – Jessica was in denial about her husband’s condition . . . until it got so bad she could no longer deny it. Eventually, her husband got sober, but Jessica was still angry. She wondered why she was the one responsible for all the housework, lawn work, and keeping their life on track? 

Jessica’s friends offered to take her to Al-Anon – an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous that’s geared toward the family members of alcoholics – but this made Jessica angrier. Why did she have to do more work when he was the one who caused all the problems? Why did she need help when he was the one in recovery? Jessica felt unappreciated, unheard, and unloved. 

Taking responsibility for ourselves can sound rather daunting, but it doesn’t have to happen all at once. It’s a one-day-at-a-time process that can be quite exciting – when we take steps toward recovery, we feel an instant burst of freedom.

We start by learning detachment. In order to begin healing, feeling our feelings, and giving ourselves what we need, we must first detach from the problem person in our lives. 

Maria was married to an alcoholic, and she tried to control her husband’s drinking by always being present. But he still found ways to drink. One day they got in a fight, and he said the reason he drank was because there wasn’t enough money. So Maria got a job. Things actually improved then – Maria was respected at work, and she enjoyed the new freedom it gave her. But then her husband started drinking again, and Maria’s anxiety came back. She immediately quit her job to be closer to her husband and keep things under control. 

But was she actually controlling anything? Or was his alcoholism controlling her?

When Beattie started learning to detach, she was forced to take responsibility for herself. That’s when she realized that other people weren’t the reason her life was a mess – she was just using them as an excuse to avoid her own problems. So she reminds us, over and over, that the path to recovery, sanity, and happiness starts with minding our own business and taking care of ourselves. In other words, it starts with self-care. 

Taking on an attitude of self-care means being loving toward ourselves. We start by taking responsibility for our lives – not just the day-to-day problems, but also all our spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. While there may be a steep learning curve at first, meeting these needs will be a fulfilling and rewarding journey. 

When Beattie got sober after ten years of alcohol, cocaine, and heroin abuse, her counselors told her that to stay sober, she’d have to face her feelings. It was an incredibly scary proposition at the time. But by following their advice, Beattie learned that “feelings are not facts,” as the old AA saying goes. 

For many codependents, this is difficult territory. Beattie recounts how, when she was leading family support groups, she’d ask the members what they were feeling. They’d respond by saying what their loved ones were feeling. No matter the question, her patients would talk about someone else. After years of focusing on the other people in their lives, they had no clue what they themselves were feeling.