Doing Life with Your Adult Children Book Summary - Doing Life with Your Adult Children Book explained in key points

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Doing Life with Your Adult Children summary

Name: Doing Life with Your Adult Children
Rating: 4.5 (38 reviews)
Author: Jim Burns

Jim Burns

Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

4.5 (38 ratings)

18 mins

Brief summary

Doing Life with Your Adult Children offers practical advice for parents transitioning from active parenting to a supportive role in their adult children's lives, fostering healthy boundaries and nurturing meaningful relationships amidst evolving family dynamics.

Topics

Education & Upbringing Emotional Intelligence Family Life Persuasion Resolving Conflict Listening

Table of Contents

Doing Life with Your Adult Children
Summary of 6 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 6

What’s in it for me? Practical tips for the next phase of parenthood.

Remember those sleepless nights when your babies were small? Back then, it was all about milk, stuffed animals, and endless diaper changes. But what about when your kids are grown? You might still have sleepless nights, but for entirely different reasons. These days, you're probably lying awake wondering: Is my son making the right career choices? When will my daughter finally land a steady job? Should I say something about my kid’s relationship, or keep quiet?

Welcome to parenting adult children – a phase nobody really prepares you for. The rules have changed, haven't they? You want to support them, but not enable them. You want to stay connected, but respect their independence. It's a delicate balance, and honestly, most of us are figuring it out as we go.

In this Blink, we’ll explore practical strategies for navigating this new territory together. You're not alone in this.

Embrace your new job description

Being a parent is quite possibly the longest job you'll ever hold – and suddenly, when your kids hit adulthood, it feels like you've been handed a pink slip. "Thanks for your service, but we've got it from here." That’s what they seem to say as they pack up their rooms and head out into the world.

From their perspective, they no longer need managing or guiding. They're adults now – they've got jobs, apartments, maybe even serious relationships. But here's the thing we all know: sometimes their choices don't exactly scream "mature adult." The challenge becomes figuring out how to navigate this new territory where you're still their parent, but your influence has shifted dramatically. Think of it this way: you’re not fired, but your role has fundamentally changed.

So what does this new job description look like? Well, it starts with accepting that your kids now make their own decisions and set their own schedules. Your parenting has naturally evolved from that intensive, hands-on experience to something more intermittent and distant. The key is learning to be encouraging without crossing into intrusive territory.

Part of your new role is also to embrace "serious fun." This means creating meaningful experiences together that acknowledge your adult child's independence while still celebrating your unique bond. Think dinner conversations where you genuinely want to hear their perspectives, adventures you plan together as equals, or shared hobbies where you're both learning something new. This is your chance to shift toward shared, joyful experiences where your kids are still unmistakably your kids, but they're also these fascinating, fun adults you genuinely enjoy spending time with.

The beautiful truth is this: while maintaining your parent-child bond through the complexity of adult relationships can feel overwhelming, what endures isn't the material things you provide. It's the foundation of love and confidence you've built together. Your legacy isn't found in the rules you enforced or the problems you solved for your kids – it's in the unwavering belief you instilled that they are capable, worthy, and deeply loved.

Your advice isn’t always welcome

As the parent of an adult child, you've probably figured out that there are times to offer advice and times to bite your tongue. But putting that theory into practice? That can feel like navigating a minefield. Your well-intentioned suggestions about everything from whether they should travel to Europe to what kind of haircut they should try are often met with hurt looks and turning away – leaving you feeling stung, too.

Here's a reality check that might help: when advice to your adult children is unsolicited, it's usually received as criticism. Full stop.

Are you a helper or an enabler?

Let's imagine an adult child – we'll call him Dylan. He's in his early twenties, coasted through school, left his college degree unfinished, and can never seem to hold down a job for very long. He still lives at home. Now picture his parents, Dave and Linda. They're beside themselves. They've lectured Dylan about the value of hard work, the need to see things through, the importance of financial independence. Why hasn't he gotten the message?

Here's the thing – let's not look at what Dave and Linda say, but what they actually do. Dylan doesn't pay rent and he's still on the family phone and wifi plans. Dave and Linda do his laundry and cook him dinner every night, often at a different time than they eat themselves because he rolls in late. Why would Dylan want to grow up? Life is pretty sweet as it is. Dave and Linda desperately need to set boundaries and expectations.

Learn to live with your adult child

You've probably heard the term "boomerang kids" – those adult children who return home after college or other attempts at independence. Rising housing costs, student debt, competitive job markets, and even global events have made it financially challenging for young adults to establish themselves independently. Sometimes they need a temporary landing pad while they figure things out.

Yet many parents and adult children admit that moving back home creates a confusing mix of issues. Picture this scenario: it's midnight and your adult child isn't home yet. You're lying awake, that familiar parental panic setting in. But here's the thing – when they were away at college or living independently, they didn't have a curfew, and they don't see why they should have one now. You're panicking and getting frustrated, while they genuinely can't understand why you're "freaking out" over something they see as trivial.

When you love your kid but hate their choices

Ever heard the expression "small kids, small problems, big kids, big problems"? When your children are small, problems might look like a scraped knee or a forgotten homework assignment – things you can solve with a band-aid and a quick phone call to the teacher. But when your kids are bigger, the problems grow, too. And one of the most challenging situations you'll face as a parent occurs when your adult child makes choices that go against everything you've taught them. How do you handle this heartbreak?

Navigating these waters requires a delicate balance of love and boundaries. Sometimes you need to offer what's called "tough love" – setting firm limits that promote responsible behavior and long-term change. This might mean refusing to let a drug-using adult child move back home without first getting treatment, or declining to bail your son out of yet another financial crisis. The goal isn't to be cruel; it's to stop enabling destructive patterns and encourage genuine growth. When you absorb the consequences your child should be experiencing, you're actually robbing them of opportunities to learn and change. Their crisis doesn't automatically become your crisis, and it's crucial to maintain that boundary.

Money matters

There's a helpful story about a young man who once asked a successful businessman, "What's the secret to becoming financially responsible?" The businessman smiled and replied, "Good decisions." The young man pressed further: "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" "Experience," came the answer. "And how do I get experience?" The businessman chuckled: "Bad decisions."

This story captures exactly how most of us learn to handle money – through trial and error. Yet many well-meaning parents inadvertently prevent their adult children from gaining this crucial experience. If you help your adult kids financially, you're certainly not alone – more than 75 percent of parents provide some form of financial assistance to their adult children at various points. But sometimes the most loving thing you can do is say no, even when you can afford to say yes. Cutting off financial support might feel harsh, but it could be the most effective step toward helping your child achieve true financial responsibility. Remember, growth often requires discomfort.

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What is Doing Life with Your Adult Children about?

Doing Life with Your Adult Children (2019) addresses the complex transition parents face when their children become adults, offering practical guidance for navigating altered relationship dynamics while maintaining connection. It provides strategies for common challenges like setting boundaries, distinguishing between helping and enabling, handling value conflicts, and supporting adult children's independence while preserving the parent-child bond.

Who should read Doing Life with Your Adult Children?

Parents of college-age kids managing the transition from hands-on to remote parent
Empty nesters redefining their relationship with their adult kids
Mums and dads who love their kids but can’t support all their choices

About the Author

Jim Burns is a bestselling author and leading parenting expert who has dedicated his career to helping families navigate the challenges of raising children and maintaining strong relationships. He draws from both his professional expertise and personal experience as a parent to provide practical, hope-filled guidance for parents transitioning through different stages of their children's lives.

Categories with Doing Life with Your Adult Children

Parenting Communication Skills Personal Development

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