Daring Greatly summary

In a world pervaded by social media, we're constantly presenting ourselves and our lives to the public. We share our holiday pictures, the number of “friends” we have or our professional accomplishments for everyone to see – and to envy.

Such envy often leads to a feeling of scarcity that we've all felt occasionally – perhaps as we listened to a friend's exotic adventures, or as we gazed longingly at things we could never afford.

If you ask people what they think of vulnerability, probably very few of them would consider it positive. We've been raised in a world where being vulnerable is associated with failure and disappointment, while success and strength are considered more important than connecting with our feelings.

But if we analyze what vulnerability really is, then we arrive at entirely different conclusions.

Vulnerability is commonly understood as a negative quality, yet it's an essential quality of being human – an integral part of who we are.

So how can we deal with our inherent vulnerability in a positive and constructive way?

Because shame is precisely a fear of self-exposure, it's not a feeling we usually share easily with others.

We've all wished sometimes for the ground to open and swallow us up, shielding us from the judgmental glances and suppressed laughter of others. And often the feeling of shame is more painful to us than whatever it is we're ashamed about.

It's natural, and common, to want to improve ourselves or acquire more. This desire stems not only from a general competitiveness, but also from the need to shield ourselves from harm.

“If only we were rich/successful/popular enough,” we tell ourselves, “we'd be immune to pain and disappointment.” In other words, behind wanting to be and have more is our hope that we can rid ourselves of vulnerability.

We've all heard of some dubious motivational strategies meant to drive people toward desired objectives at school or at work. These include such concepts as benchmarking, where performance is compared to certain set rates or norms, and shaming and blaming, where people’s weaknesses or failures are openly displayed. Office employees must sell a certain amount to get their bonus, school teachers read pupils' grades out loud to the class, and universities allow only the best undergrads to advance to their graduate programs.

But anyone who's been under the threat of being publicly shamed knows all too well the hazardous effects it can have on one's productivity.

Changing general patterns in society always requires engaged individuals taking the first steps. Whether influential employers or managers, teachers or parents, they can all play their part in introducing a culture of vulnerability into our society.

There are symptoms of shame culture in almost every workplace or school. You might've heard, for example, of extreme cases in which employees' failures were displayed publicly in the office. In one incident, company employees were shamed into trading offices, and other methods of public humiliation have been used too.

We want only the best for our children. So if we wish for them to lead engaged, connected lives, we have to teach them the underlying principles of worthiness and vulnerability.

Firstly, we must consider that children experience shame as trauma. Shameful incidents early on in children's lives can influence not only childhood, but the rest of their lives too. Just think about times when you felt shame in your own childhood. Are they still vivid to you?