The Connected Child Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus The Connected Child

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Zusammenfassung von The Connected Child

Name: The Connected Child
Rating: 4.5 (53 reviews)
Author: Karyn B. Purvis

Karyn B. Purvis

Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

4.5 (53 Bewertungen)

27 Min.

Inhaltsübersicht

The Connected Child
in 9 Kernaussagen verstehen

Audio & Text in der Blinkist App

Kernaussage 1 von 9

What’s in it for me? Transform your relationship to parenting.

Parenting can be challenging at the best of times. When you’re parenting a child with a history of abuse or deprivation, the demands are even greater. These children might have missed out on vital developmental learning; maybe they’re still grappling with the effects of past trauma.

The good news is that nurturing parenting can make a huge difference in the life of a child at any age. Adoptive parents need to adopt a multipronged strategy – investing time in teaching social skills and providing emotional support, as well as promoting good brain chemistry through nutrition and exercise. By consistently implementing these interventions, parents can help their children thrive.

The most important element of all is the connection between parent and child. By methodically building trust, you can create a strong foundation. From there, anything is possible!

In these blinks, you’ll learn

why play is more effective than punishment;
how a good diet can transform your brain chemistry; and
why touch is so important for nurturing your child.

We need to understand the histories of at-risk kids to give them the support they need.

Consider Louise, a baby who is born into a loving, stable home. Louise has her needs met even before she’s born. Her mother eats nutritious foods and goes to doctor’s appointments; the family prepares as best they can for her arrival.

Once she’s born, she’s held and fed. Louise learns that people will always respond to her cries. By listening to her parents’ voices, she starts to develop language skills; by scanning the room, her visual literacy increases. Every time her small body is touched and held, it releases serotonin, which helps her brain grow.

Contrast her experience with that of a baby like Donnie, who is put in an orphanage as an infant. Donnie lies in his crib for hours, staring at the ceiling. He gets used to wearing soiled diapers and experiencing prolonged hunger. He is hardly touched or interacted with by the overworked attendants.

The key message here is: We need to understand the histories of at-risk kids to give them the support they need.

Donnie’s background left him with a yawning gap in his development, which is the case for many adopted and fostered children. Adoptive parents need to understand the specific deprivations their children have experienced in order to understand their behavior and be able to provide adequate support.

The nine months in utero and first years of life are an essential time for a child’s development. Infants whose mothers were chronically stressed, anxious, or depressed during pregnancy show abnormal brain chemistry. If their mothers abused drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, this also has profound effects on the functioning of their central nervous systems.

Children who grow up with absent or abusive parents often have difficulty forming attachments. They find it hard to trust; they’ve learned they can’t count on anybody to help them. If, like Donnie, they’re deprived of touch and interaction as a baby, they’ll have a much harder time bonding with others as adults. A lack of physical and verbal interaction also affects their brain development, as well as their ability to process what they see, feel, or hear.

Raising an adopted or foster child means reckoning with their specific past experiences. Even if children appear “normal,” they’re often carrying around the invisible scars of neglect or abuse. Once you understand what they’ve been through, you’ll be better able to provide support to help them heal and grow.

Adopted children need to learn to feel safe after years of fighting for survival.

Janey’s mother was shocked when her daughter had a huge tantrum because she wasn’t allowed a snack before dinner. “I hate you!” Janey screamed, before slamming her door and bursting into tears.

Janey wasn’t being difficult or acting spoiled; she was scared. Her response stemmed from the profound fear of going hungry – something she’d experienced so many times in the past when her caretakers neglected to feed her. What she needed was reassurance, not punishment. She needed to learn that in this new environment, she was safe.

Adoptive parents need to model good communication skills.

How can you learn to communicate if nobody took the time to interact with you as a child? Or what if your parents only screamed abuse at you instead of having a conversation?

Communication is one of the most important skills that humans learn. It’s how we interact with each other and express our needs. It’s also how we form attachments to our parents. But at-risk children have often missed out on learning good communication skills. That’s why it’s so important for adoptive parents to spend time teaching their children how to communicate – and to model healthy social interactions themselves.

Strict punishments don’t work on at-risk kids.

Old-fashioned sayings like “spare the rod, spoil the child” have always taught that harsh discipline is in a child’s best interest. While corporal punishment may not be your style, you might still be tempted to become extra strict if your child has behavioral problems.

Children do need you to set clear boundaries. But overly strict punishments can actually backfire when you’re dealing with children from deprived or abusive backgrounds.

Prepare your kids for stressful situations by planning ahead and providing structure.

Have you ever gone to the supermarket when you’re really hungry and ended up buying way more food than you’d originally intended? Imagine what it’s like for a kid who’s spent most of her life going hungry. Suddenly, she’s surrounded by more food than she could ever eat. The experience is exciting – but also completely overwhelming. Before you know it, you’re embroiled in a tiring battle of wills about what your child is allowed to put in the shopping cart.

All parents know what it’s like to be in these kinds of high pressure, high conflict situations. The good news is that, with a bit of foresight, you can make a plan to minimize the conflict and defuse tension before it even arises.

Play allows you to develop your relationship with your children.

When’s the last time you had a belly laugh with your kid? Amid all the pressure of household chores and homework, it’s easy to forget to make time for one of the most essential parts of parenting: having fun with your children.

And what better way to have fun than by playing games together? Playing games gives you the chance to interact positively with your kids, and you’ll fill their “trust banks” by showing them you care about spending time with them. Building trust strengthens your relationship and will make all of your interactions easier.

Supporting healthy brain chemistry is key to solving behavioral problems.

Imagine you were driving a car but never put any gas or oil in it. Soon enough, the car would come to a shuddering stop at the side of the highway.

Cars need the right fuel to function. In the same way, our brains require the right food if they are to function optimally. This is especially crucial for at-risk children who have experienced chronic stress or abuse growing up.

You can help your children become more confident by showering them with love and encouragement.

At a camp for at-risk children, a boy was asked to draw a self-portrait. He drew an enormous airport with planes and clouds and, at the very bottom, a tiny speck representing himself. The portrait symbolized how he saw himself – small and insignificant in a large and bewildering world.

Many at-risk kids have similarly low self-esteem. That’s why one of the most important things that adoptive and foster parents can do is nurture self-confidence.

Progress might be slow, but don’t give up hope.

Imagine you’re climbing up a tall, snowy mountain. You’re treading carefully and making slow, arduous progress. Suddenly, you lose your footing and slip down the slope.

Adopting or fostering a child can feel like that. As much progress as you make, there will always be times when it seems like nothing’s going well or it feels like your child has regressed.

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Worum geht es in The Connected Child?

The Connected Child (2007) is an insightful guide for parents of adopted and foster children. Children from deprived or abusive backgrounds have unique needs. By taking a multipronged approach including behavioral interventions, good diet and exercise, and lots of nurturing, parents can play a vital role in helping their children heal.

Bestes Zitat aus The Connected Child

Shift your mind-set so that you see misbehaviors not as a headache but as an opportunity to teach a child new skills.

—Karyn B. Purvis

Wer The Connected Child lesen sollte

Parents who are considering adopting or fostering a child
Teachers or social workers who interact with at-risk youth
Anyone who’s ever had a showdown with a toddler in the cereal aisle

Über den Autor

The late Dr. Karyn Purvis was the director of the Rees-Jones Foundation and cofounder of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth.

Dr. David R. Cross is a psychology professor at Texas Christian University and the director of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development.

Wendy Lyons Sunshine is an award-winning health journalist. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, Scientific American, and AARP Magazine.

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