Unlocking Parental Intelligence summary

Is it easy to stay calm when our kids test our limits? Of course not! Delia could have easily reacted to her daughter’s unauthorized body piercing with a sharp outburst.

But just as our children’s behaviors have meanings, so do ours. When Delia looked within her own history for clues about why she became so upset whenever Olivia dressed or socialized a certain way, she realized the roots of her protectiveness.

Every behavior carries a meaning. Children don’t simply act out to act out; they’re looking for understanding and acceptance. However, the meanings are not just attached to children’s behavior. Our reactions as parents also have root causes and meanings that we must interpret if we are to parent effectively. We can unlock these meanings with a five-step process.

First, learn to step back.

When Mrs. Daver, a highly educated and successful woman, turned 39, she suddenly yearned for a child. Though her husband wasn’t as enthusiastic about the prospect, the couple adopted Ted at birth. Ted took to his new mother, but he cried often and never seemed fully content. By the time Ted was eight months old, Mr. Daver had begun to feel that life with an infant was not what he had expected. He mentioned divorce. To make matters worse, the nanny, who Ted loved, resigned.

That’s when Ted’s tantrums began. Mr. Daver reacted by putting Ted in ten-minute time-outs. When Mrs. Daver checked on Ted during these time-outs, she would find the two-year-old sitting immobile and terrified on his bed. The family was falling apart, and something needed to change.

When Lidia, a maternity nurse, stepped into Claudia and Cole’s home, she found the place in disarray. Laundry and dishes were piled up everywhere. The teen couple had recently become parents to a baby girl called Lara, and Claudia was exhausted. 

In the first few months of parenthood, Claudia and Cole had struggled with their new roles. Claudia found it hard to soothe and feed Lara. She constantly worried that she was a bad mother with a difficult baby. 

Leslie had been an organized, tidy child – until she turned 15. As a teenager, she became increasingly sullen and spent hours sleeping in her messy room. At first, her mother, Ceci, reacted with frustration and punishments. 

But she began to wonder whether Leslie’s behavior had something to do with missing her absent father, who had disappointed her by promising to attend events and then not showing up. When Leslie confirmed that this was the case, Ceci promised to speak with Leslie’s father and encourage him to be more present.

Remember that sweet preschooler who sat on your lap, willingly did errands, and snuggled up to watch cartoons with you? It probably came as a shock when, all of a sudden, he transformed into someone who muttered monosyllables and spent most of his time in his room.

We’re all familiar with the stereotypes that hover around the notorious teenager – but every age comes with its own set of challenges.

Eight-year-old Cathie couldn’t seem to sit still or get to the school bus on time. Lia and Dale, her firm but loving parents, were at their wits’ end.

But when Cathie was diagnosed with ADHD, the family came up with solutions like playdates and a dance class to help with Cathie’s self-esteem and socializing. To accommodate her restlessness, they set a ten-minute alarm on a clock that allowed their daughter breaks from sitting still and doing homework.