The Other Significant Others summary

When two people are very close, we automatically assume they must be having sex – especially if the connection is between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman. But this is an extremely limiting view of relationships and sexuality.

Take the example of Stacey and Grace. Having met in college, their bond is characterized by an extraordinary level of emotional attunement, mutual support, and intertwined life choices. They plan vacations together, engage in physical affection like cuddling and even discuss milestones like co-parenting, getting married, and growing old together. But they’re not having sex. In fact, Stacey recently came out as asexual. 

One of the interesting, and perhaps exciting, side effects of forging a friendship that defies societal expectations is that it may lead you to question other norms and conventions that are limiting your self-expression. The story of Art and Nick, two Christian youth pastors, provides a poignant example of how reimagining relationships can lead to a deeper sense of autonomy and self-determination.

Art is openly gay and committed to celibacy due to his faith, while Nick is straight. In the beginning of their friendship, Nick struggled with what he now calls "homohysteria" – the fear of being perceived as gay due to his closeness with Art. He worried what others, especially his conservative family, would think of their intimacy. Because of this, he pulled back in moments that seemed "too gay," like going on a trip to Hawaii together. 

What happens when friends become family? The story of Natasha and Lynda, two law professors who forged an unconventional parenting partnership, offers another striking example of how reimagining relationships can create new loving, supportive family structures.

When Natasha, a single woman, decided to have a child on her own via sperm donation, her friend and colleague Lynda spontaneously volunteered to be her “birth coach.” Lynda poured herself into supporting Natasha through her pregnancy and the birth of her child, Elaan. The birth was a complicated one; a knot in Elaan’s umbilical cord led to him being born with disabilities. In those early days, Lynda and Elaan formed an unbreakable bond.

What does it take to adapt and thrive in life’s later decades? The story of Inez and Barb, two friends who have shared a home for over 20 years, paints a vivid picture of how deep platonic bonds can provide joy, support, and caregiving in old age.

The two women first clicked on a trip to Washington D.C. in the 1960s, when Inez was escaping an unfulfilling marriage with her two young sons. Barb, unable to have children of her own, quickly bonded with Inez's boys. When Inez later moved to Phoenix for a fresh start, Barb opened her home to the family for six months. Though living separately, they functioned as a family unit, sharing holidays, inside jokes, and the joys and trials of raising kids.

There are many touching books, movies, and stories about the tragedy of losing a long-term romantic partner. But what happens when we lose a profound friendship or it changes form? The story of Joy and her best friend Hannah illuminates the aching, disenfranchised grief that can come from losing a platonic soulmate.

Joy and Hannah had the kind of friendship that defined their adult lives. Geology majors who became besties in college, they were inseparable despite living far apart – until Hannah's devastating cancer diagnosis at age 34. Over the next six years, as Hannah fought ovarian cancer, Joy became her champion and caregiver, joining her for treatment in New York, planning fundraisers, and eventually holding her hand in hospice.

What would the world look like if committed friends had the same rights and responsibilities as spouses? The story of Amelie and Joan, non-romantic life partners who have shaped their lives around their friendship, offers a powerful glimpse into it.

As a longtime LGBTQ activist, Amelie has seen firsthand how the lack of legal recognition for same-sex relationships has led to devastating consequences, like partners being excluded during medical crises. Even after gaining the right to marry, Amelie felt the institution's limits; she wanted to build a life with Joan, whom she considers family, but not as her spouse.